


Carry You Home

by Sleepless_Star



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death - Sort of, Distant Furure AU, M/M, Spaceships, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:58:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3702481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepless_Star/pseuds/Sleepless_Star
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say that love is stronger than death, but life has proved it wrong so many times.<br/>Still, is it wrong to have a miracle happen just once?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winter Mornings

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Interstellar OST and heavy snow on a cold January morning.  
> It was pain in the ass to write it but I needed it out.
> 
> My fascination with the wearable devices is evident, I think.
> 
> Feedback is much appreciated!

Levi has a strange dream, the kind you have only when you are dozing in the early morning, half-woken, half-asleep. It’s vivid and starts from his absent-minded observation that it’s heavily snowing outside, so far he can see through a thin opening between curtains in the grey winter morning light as he squints groggily at it.

Levi dreams going through a forest, though he does not recognize it as the forest near their cottage. It’s a forest in a name only; the trees are crude caricatures of themselves, dark and bare, like charcoal strokes against the muted white around him. He ploughs through a thick blanket of snow, but his feet feel neither cold nor wetness, just heaviness as if he is wading in knee-deep water. The snow falls around him in like feathers of an unknown gigantic bird, heavy and thick, effectively wiping out horizon. Hiding his trail. No sound apart from his breathing and shuffling of the snow under his boots. He wanders, not lost, but without any particular destination in mind through this mute, depressive landscape, walks slowly until out from the whiteness a silhouette steps out.

It’s a buck, with great antlers and dark brown fur. It stands there, unafraid, unmoving, his breath coming in puffs as Levi creeps closer, closer, until he can see the texture of the fur, it’s shades, the scars littering it’s body and head, until they stare each other in the eyes, the deep black eyes as unreadable as the human’s. Levi stops, unsure what he wants exactly, what this animal is doing here, so real in the world of silent unrealness. The snow continues falling, swirling, covering both of them as if trying to make them as bleak and unreal as the world itself.

Levi shifts a little, raising his hand to touch the buck but the creature suddenly shudders, it’s ears perking up. Next moment it gracefully turns and springs away, quick and powerful. Levi screams, not really sure what and tries to follow, frantic and suddenly scared of losing the sight of the animal. The chase is crazy, the snow now lashing against his face, blinding him, the boots falling so deep with each step that his muscles in the leg starting to burn with the effort of lifting them, he is late, he will never make it… 

And he wakes up.

He blinks away the dream as his eyes adjust to the dimness of the room, releasing a sigh he has not been aware he has been keeping. The bracelet on his hand hums gently, noting the change in his heart rate and breathing, thus acknowledging his return to the reality. Levi turns to his right, the numbers on the clock screen blinking green, pronouncing it to be 8.30.  
As in his dream, it’s snowing heavily outside but Levi is warm. He turns his head to the left only to find the bed empty. Unusual.

On days like these Eren sleeps in usually, cocooned in a blanket despite the warmth of the heated air in the room, motionless. It’s Levi’s privilege then to wake him up by slowly unwrapping his lover, ruffling his hair with his nose, kissing his nape, watching him slowly come up from the depth of his dream, hearing his breathing change.

Levi frowns, disappointed to be alone today. Throws his arm over his eyes for a moment to block out the light. He catches faint murmur from the other room, is Eren up and watching news? He listens more closely until he realizes that it is Eren speaking, his intonations washing over Levi’s mind calmingly even if the words are indistinguishable.

Is it Mikasa or Armin calling? Levi sits up slowly, hesitating to set his feet on the floor. Even though it has been years since the freezing rooms where his childhood was spent and the steel coldness of the spaceship floors, even though they have been living in a cozy rustic looking cottage that in truth was full of the modern heating and god-know what else technology, the reflexes refused to leave, making him apprehensive to put his feet down. But eventually he does and the floor is warm, as it should be. He reaches for the faded grey cotton t-shirt he wears around the house, feeling its texture under fingertips for a second, enjoying it. Shrugs it on.  
Levi pus his hands on the edge of the bed, tenses, then in a quick motion he stands up, mentally ready for a cruel stab of pain, yet it does not come. His leg has decided to behave today, it seems.  
He throws a slightly contempt, yet victorious look at the exo-construction that stands near the bed for the days his body is not so merciful to him. As he wades into the depths of the house he quickly runs through his sleep statistics as the tracker on his wrist shows it. Eren will be proud, Levi thinks, as today it is full 4 hours, even if he did wake three times.

He walks slowly through the empty corridor, his bare feet feeling the hardness and coolness of the polished wood underneath. With each step the sound below is a bit louder and Levi feels the world become more real. He carefully steps down the stairs, almost forcefully driving the soles of his feet into the polished wood.

As he gets closer to the kitchen Eren’s voice gradually becomes louder, though the words are hard to decipher. A waft of air brings the smell of freshly brewed coffee to him. When Levi enters the room, Eren is finishing the conversation, saying his goodbyes stiffly. Levi manages to catch the sight of the holoscreen though and is mildly surprised to see Erwin’s face before it blinks out. Eren is dressed in his white t-shirt, the old one with the army logo on it and a collection of holes (there is silent tug-a-war regarding this t-shirt as Levi secretly hopes to throw it away, at least hide it and Eren each time finds it; they don’t even argue about it anymore) and cotton shorts. 

Levi’s surprise shifts into a feeling of apprehension soon after. What the fuck admiral has been calling Eren for? 

Upon seeing that Levi is up and about Eren springs up from the seat at the island he has been occupying, a half-full cup of coffee in his hand. He kisses Levi’s cheek in a good morning way, quick and sweet and bustles over the kitchen to prepare breakfast. How is Levi’s leg? How did he sleep? Did Eren wake him up when he had to leave to answer the call?

Levi answers shortly each question (Fine. Well. Maybe.) all the while staring at the younger man’s back. Eren is not turning as he speaks; busy with making an omelet, but the air around him is that of anxiousness, his movements are nervously quick, almost frantic as he slams pots and ingredients on the counter, cracks eggs into it and starts to stir. Levi has had enough finally, he strides to the figure glued to the stove, simmering with anxiety and wraps his arms around the warm, hard body of his lover, presses his forehead to Eren’s nape. Eren smells like detergent they use, like coffee and the food, yet underneath it is his earthy, deep scent. For a moment they both just stand there, the sizzling of the eggs on the stove is the only sound in the room. 

Levi presses a kiss into Eren’s skin, feels him relax a little in his arms. Then, his lips not really leaving the skin of the other’s nape, he asks

\- What did Commander Eyebrows want from you?

Eren tenses again, moves to turn the omelet over, a shuddering breath leaving him. Levi waits for the answer, even as Eren silently switches the stove off to let the eggs prepare on the leftover warmth.  
He is not turning to Levi and it is a bad sign. Instead he leans with both hands on the stove edge, heavily, almost tiredly. Levi nuzzles (why did not anybody think up a better word for it? Levi and “nuzzle” did not go well together) his back again, silently prompting. His hands start caressing the stomach, hard from the amount of work put into the body in front of him, rubbing calming patterns into the tense muscles.  
Eren takes a gulp of air, readying himself, and then slowly turns in Levi’s arms.

Their eyes meet, Eren’s filled with a desperate conviction, Levi’s sharp, searching, worried. The apprehension is thick in the air.

\- Admiral – he makes a reproachful stress on the word, because Levi keeps calling Erwin with his old title just to spite him, -wants me to join the expedition that is-  
\- No.

Eren closes his eyes, having clearly expect this very reaction, exhales loudly, opens his mouth to continue, yet Levi is quicker.

\- I said no. You are not going anywhere. You are on the pension, like me and the whole fucking army can suck my dick before they proclaim that you can be sent into space again.  
\- Levi…  
\- No. The main reason for your staying here is my supervision, and I bet they would not let me fly. That’s why Erwin called only you. Am I right? Because he would gladly leave all the talking to you…

Desperate, Eren leans in and kisses Levi; it is a gentle yet effective gesture. The arms around his waist tighten to a crushing grip, holding Eren in place, merging their bodies.

Eren pulls back a bit, nuzzles his lover nose. Sighs heavily again.

\- It’s the government, not army. The system is far away, they cannot guarantee that it has been cleared of the titans. So they need protection.

Levi frowns, his lips a thin tight line.

\- I will talk to Erwin. Either I am going with you or you are not going anywhere.

When Eren opens his mouth to protest it’s Levi’s turn to kiss him, rougher and more passionately than Eren have done. They pull away, the breathing heavier now.

\- Let’s eat. We will get over with this shit after breakfast… – he pauses, remembering, - and a shower.

The food is eaten at the kitchen corner in a silent, tense atmosphere, Eren not really having appetite and Levi as usual cutting everything into little bits before eating. All the while their knees touch, as if reassuring each man that the other is still here.

Levi goes through the usual motions automatically, in mindless, practiced set of actions as his mind furiously works on the looming conversation with Erwin. He washes dishes (despite all the modern technology of their kitchen Levi always washes the dishes, as Eren always cooks, both of them not really trusting to the machines to do it right), he takes a short, scalding hot shower, and empties the laundry basket into the washing machine.  
Levi emerges out of the bathroom in the same manner he walked to his station to prepare for the battle – in quick wide strides, shoulders squared, every muscle tense with the determination. By the time he walks into the living room, his face set into a determined scowl, he is ready to trash Erwin thoroughly, all kinds of possible arguments swarming in his mind.

Eren sits there in the living room, illuminated by muted daylight, in the middle of the carpeted floor, on his hunches, neatly folding the fresh laundry. Levi stops, for a moment all the thoughts gone from his mind, to appreciate the view, the warm, intimate air the picture gives him, the calm amidst the storm around them. It is peaceful, a stark contrast to the way he has been feeling just a moment ago. Eren is somewhere far away now with his mind, he does not notice the addition to the scene, his eyelashes lowered as he picks and folds in beautiful, practiced movements. The pile on the sofa is quite high already.

Levi tears himself from the spot he stands on to walk slowly to his lover, puts his hands on his shoulders as he stands behind him, looking down on Eren who blinks, as if wakened, and raises his head to meet Levi's gaze. Levi runs his hands up, over beautiful curve of Eren's neck, until they are cupping Eren's chin. Takes in the sight below him. Eren's eyes, wide and bright, intense, the same as the day they have met, he sees the universe in them. Eren is his everything, everything Levi has ever fought for, dreamed of, desired, even before they had met, way before Levi realized what this boy is. Eren is the Earth, is peace, is freedom, is warmth. Eren is the whole world to Levi. Eren is home.

Eren's eyes are that of the endless depth of the stars that Levi had spent so many years looking at from the illuminators of Sina. Yet his eyes do not have the same soulless coldness, they are not distant and unfriendly by nature. They are still, even after so many years, filled with wonder, with hope, they shine with a light that no power in the goddamn universe was able to extinguish.

Levi rubs his thumbs on Eren's soft cheeks. Even after 10 years Eren's face has not changed, no trace of age, nor a scar has marred it. Levi knows that it is because of what Eren's father has done to him that Eren cannot age. So many has condemned him for it, called him a monster, this grown up person forever stuck in a body of 16 year old, yet to Levi it is one of the marvels that is Eren, the body that he loves so much forever frozen in time, like a fragile, yet powerful statue or a precious painting, untouched by the ugliness of the world and time. To be protected, to be kept away from idle glances, to be coveted and admired.

The silence that surrounds them as they look in each other's eyes is that of comfort, of understanding. Both of them are bad with words, Levi always too crude and bad at expressing his feelings while Eren too quick, unthoughtful, prone to be angered. They have learned to communicate with their bodies, with touches and looks, with subtle changes in expressions. This way they understand each other the way no one else is able to.  
You could think that Levi would learn to be more expressive, that his face muscles would work a little more now that they are no longer at war, yet Eren with his understanding and acceptance has made it unnecessary. Though Eren did once note that Levi tended to frown less.

Levi is silently asking if Eren is okay, and Eren raises his right hand, covers that of Levi, squeezes it lightly.

I am, says he. Levi bows down, till their lips touch, a warm, careful gesture, a silent “I love you” is loud between them. It is just a moment basked in the gray winter light, in the cotton soft silence of the falling snow, yet it is so real that Levi feels ache twisting in his chest, as if a snake is slowly squeezes his heart in a constricting grip.

Is he to lose this all? Is he to sit and to watch Eren go somewhere where Levi cannot follow? Is he to be left behind?

Levi straightens, breaking the spell, frowns as he feels the sudden surge of fear channel into anger, the way it always does.

Eren sees it too.

\- Please, be polite to Admiral, Levi. I am sure he had fought tooth and nail on my presence in the expedition.

Why Eren after so many years having known Erwin and perceived his manipulative nature still stands on his side on every occasion is beyond Levi. Before it used to make him feel this poisonous stab of jealousy when such matter would arise yet he had learned of Eren's undying loyalty and felt ashamed to ever doubt him at all.

No, Eren simply still holds Erwin in much respect.

\- The shit he did. - Levi hisses, feeling the fury welling up in him, ready to break and burn everything around him to ashes.

But his fury will not touch Eren, it is not for him, never for him.

Levi finally tears away from his lover and marches to the calling terminal, once again tense and sobered, ready to strike and kill.

Erwin’s face on the screen is tired, the lines more prominent than Levi has remembered. It has only been ten years, Levi thinks for a second, ten years yet we already look like old men.

Erwin greets, not surprised at all, him having been expecting the call. Levi has always been bad with talking to the higher ranks, simply because most things that fall from his mouth should be censored or at least washed thoroughly with soap, yet Erwin has always allowed the certain degree of familiarity if out of respect to Levi’s ability only.

Now that Levi is no longer his underling, the serious conversation bears no resemblance to the usual army banter. It is an argument between equals, and the amount of cuss words Levi uses is enough to have Eren start throwing reproachful glances at Levi from his side of the living room (which he ignores, being too busy with unleashing his fury on the Admiral).

Yes, Eren’ help is required by the government. The details of the expedition are top secret, Levi, I cannot tell you over simple call. Nor even in personal meeting. This is an order, Levi, there is nothing I could possible do about the whole situation. Eren leaves in three days, that’s it. You are too old for the operations of such scale, I am sorry. They cannot afford to take a ballast person, Levi. No.

\- Haven’t we given enough to the humanity? –Levi says, painfully aware how helplessly it sounds, but his mind goes to the exo-support in the bedroom, to his leg, to all his scars, to Eren’s body that is never to age. If he could be able to develop marks, how many there would have been? Levi often thinks about it, in the nights when he is unable to sleep, his fingers touching the smooth skin on Eren’s chest, remembering with surprising clarity each gush, each cut, each lost limb, each moment of pain the body in front of him so bravely endured. 

Levi has sworn to himself the day they had won – no more. He will see to it that from now on Eren will only see his dreams fulfilled, that he no longer will need to sacrifice himself over and over again to the ungrateful and greedy beast of humanity.

Yet here they are, arguing over sending Eren once more to his possible death.

And this time Levi cannot follow. Cannot protect him, shield him.

His fingers dig into his palms with such force that he absent-mindedly wonders if he will draw blood.

Erwin looks apologetic, the crow feet in the corners of his eyes deeper, the sharp blue eyes duller now, faded.

\- I’m sorry.

And Levi knows with crushing clarity that he has lost, that he once again stands in front of the monster that is more frightening than any titan, that can swallow the two of them whole, crunch their bones to dust, yet there is no weapon to slay this creature, only a tiny hope that you are in its blind spot, that you are too insignificant, too old, too worthless to ever be noticed.

And Eren, Eren long has been unable to escape the turning gears of the politics.

In truth Levi, the Humanity Strongest, stands no chance against the humanity itself.

Oh, the irony.

He wants to scream, to break something, to destroy, he wants to take Eren’s hand and run, run until they reach the end of the world, of the universe maybe, but he knows that neither he, nor Eren will run. They will not, unable to. They had never run away.

\- Mikasa will be also in the expedition. – Erwin’s voice startles him from the whirlpool of the defeatism, pulling him back to the reality.   
\- She will? – It comes like a soothing balm on the burn, Levi thinks. If there is at least one thing they have seen eye to eye on, it is Eren’s well-being. Mikasa might be little overly-emotional, yet she is fiercely protective of her adoptive brother and more than capable to protect him (not that Eren is incapable of protecting himself, but with his fervor and lack of control it is better if there is somebody to keep an eye on him).

Erwin confirms Mikasa’s participation and Levi knows that there are no more arguments he personally can provide aside from simply resorting to name-calling. 

\- How long the expedition will last?  
\- Should be about a year, if not quicker. Depending on what they will find there.

Erwin looks weathered, tired also, perhaps he is also stuck in an insomnia streak, perhaps he is also feeling empty, burned out, his insides scraped out by the crazy demands of being only the best.

\- I am sorry, Levi. – and it sounds like defeat, it tastes like defeat, and Levi feels bile rise in his throat at recognizing this feeling. You used to be so sure, he thinks, so driven, and yet today you are apologizing for throwing yet another life into hell and silently praying they will make it back.

In the end he says “Understood” and switches the screen off before Erwin has any chance to say good-bye or add anything. Pretends he haven’t heard this weak and stiff “ I am sorry”.

It’s eerily silent now in the living room, no sound piercing the heavy atmosphere of the morning. Levi turns around, the sound of the clothes chaffing against the skin is too loud to him, to look at Eren, who has finished folding the laundry a while ago and now sits on haunches staring at his lap. His hands fisted, his knuckles white.

Levi thinks he is the greedy one, as his eyes trail the well-know, fragile yet strong form in front of him, he wishes to keep Eren only to himself, to hide him away from the world outside, to be by his side each moment, yet what in seven hells allows him to think so?

Eren is Humanity’s Hope and he cannot belong even to himself, let alone to an old battered soldier of fading glory.

This thought burns like liquid fire in his gut, acidic and painful, but he knows that it is the truth.

He walks again back to Eren’s side where he wants to be the most, sits down by him, feeling Eren shift closer, lean into him with a deep, pained sigh.

Suddenly they are two scared, wounded animals amidst the snowdrift, pressing closer and closer to each other, seeking the other’s warmth in the lonely and cruel world of mindless death.

Eren throws his arms around Levi’s neck, turning to him, burying his nose into the strong line of the shoulder and Levi wraps his arms around his lover, almost constricting, crushing hold. The kisses are pressed into Eren’s temple, not soothing in the nature, yet gentle.

They have only three days. 72 hours. 4320 minutes. Even less now, Levi realizes.

In the end they spend the day wrapped in each other, hungry for closeness and touch, leaving only for extreme necessities like some food or bathroom, simply sitting together in the living room, holding, whispering as if somebody might eavesdrop on them, break their secret, their intimacy.

That night Levi does not sleep, but Eren does. Levi listens to the beating of the heart of the other, curled into him, refusing to lose contact.

They do not sleep like this usually; surprisingly both of them sleep apart, Eren on his back, Levi on his side, cautious of his leg. 

Levi lies there and wonders how the hell the world around them has remained the same even if it is shattered completely? The digital clock on the bedside still the same and relentlessly ticks away precious minutes they are together, the walls have not caved in, the roof has not cracked, the sky is not falling on them. He feels sudden surge of hate towards the glaring normality, towards everything they had fought so hard to preserve till now.  
What use he will have of this cozy house, of this perfect garden (Eren’s love and pride) if Eren is not here?

Levi grinds his teeth, feels the tension creep into his muscles turning him into a live wire, corded and humming with collected energy, dangerously strained, ready to kill.  
He has to breathe forcefully, careful as to not disturb the sleeping figure beside him. 

In the end he spends the last hours of the night by imagining them to be snowed in, the snow to cover the house over the roof making it impenetrable fortress of silence and whiteness, to hide them from the looming tomorrow. And all the king's horses and all the king's men will never ever be able to find them again in the endless white of the frozen landscape.

It is childish and unreal, yet Levi hangs onto this shallow dream like a drowning man. 

Eren breathes, deeply, calmly, unperturbed. No nightmares. 

Levi revels in this fact.

It is far easier to focus on that than on the image of the endless darkness of the space that threatens to swallow you whole, unforgiving and ruthless in its nature. In which it is so easy to get lost, to lose your way home, back into the waiting arms of those left behind. On the pinpricking light of the numerous stars that glare at you with indifference. How many had been dying there, all alone, scared, squirming for one more second of oxygen, floating helplessly in a world that sees you as nothing but a part of the waste that hangs in the zero-gravity? What came from stars to stars returned, Levi remembers.

When the dawning light begins slowly creep into the room it enables Levi to see more, to recognize more and more detail with a painstaking clarity. Levi’s eyes study the soft hair on Eren’s body, too light and thin to be really noticeable, yet now almost glowing. When Levi’s fingers, fingertips barely touching the skin, roam over the skin the hair would stand up, sensitive even to the lightest contact. Levi presses his lips to it, feels the softness of the skin under his mouth, drinks it in. He searches and finds each freckle, each birthmark, however tiny they are, maps them like he would the countless constellations, reverent, with a desperate, sweet ache slowly and painfully burning in his lower abdomen. Rolls the nipples between his teeth, biting, playing until they harden, responsive and sensitive as always. Follows every contour of Eren’s body, refuses to miss even a millimeter of any plane. 

He stretches over Eren, studies him anew, gently, with his fingers and kisses, until Eren’s breath change, until the body under him shivers slightly, until the beloved arms (have he kissed the long thin fingers yet? He have not, so he does just that, cradling each hand, mouthing over each knuckle, pressing his face into the roughened palms) wrap around his neck and draw him in, to kiss the invitingly parted soft lips, the fingers slowly running over the trim part of his undercut. 

The kiss is sleep-ridden, slow, soft and magnificently intimate; Eren, not fully wakened up opens himself to Levi’s touches, giving, forgiving the disruption of his rest, accepting.  
And Levi, Levi feels so much right now that he feels like he is floating in the space, bare, that there is no oxygen left for him, that he might die in the next moment yet he does not, he is saved, as always, by the ocean in the eyes of the other, even if now they are half-lidded, the intense light in them turned into the soft glow.

They make love like this, slowly, gently, Levi pressing Eren into the bedding with his hard heavy body, watching Eren writhe under him, his hands finding hold in the soft sheets and countless pillows, watching Eren breathe, pant quietly, feeling his heartbeat under his lips, leaving rosy marks here and there, holding their cocks together and torturously slowly making the pleasure build up with his fingers, with controlled motions of his hips.  
It is until one of Eren’s hands wraps over them, begging Levi for more, harder, pleading mercy that he does increase the pressure and rhythm, driving Eren into hazy completion, shivering, his lover’s mouth opening slightly, his head turned to the right and his eyes scrunched in pleasure. 

It is quiet, surprisingly, no sound can be heard apart from the rustling of the fabric and their breathing. Eren sometimes lets out soft little moans and whines and Levi has to lean even closer to catch them.  
Levi feels them both pulse under their hands, almost simultaneously reaching the sweet peak, feels them dripping on the olive skin below, covered now with sweat, spit and semen (who would have guessed that the clean-freak Captain will learn to appreciate the dirtiness of sex, yet, again, maybe it is just Eren, and Eren is never dirty, nothing that comes from Eren is dirty), flushed, covered in goose bumps and already fading marks. He whispers Eren’s name into his skin, like a prayer or a call, repeats t over and over until he rides out his orgasm, until the white noise in his ears recedes.

The light is even brighter around them and Levi can make out tiny dust particles floating around; he cannot bring himself to be bothered about it.

Eren lies beneath him, stretched out in pleasure, shivering, his breath calming and flush receding, yet he looks content and his eyes look at Levi with warmth, appreciating and loving. Levi remembers how he have dreamed that Eren one day would look at him exactly like that, not the look that is given to an idol, to a superior, to the Humanity Strongest, no, the look that is given to the lover, to the closest person, to one and only. It have been dark and lonely days back there, during the fight, filled with uncertainty and painful longing, full of heavy restrictions. He does not want to think of them now, not in the sunlit room that smells like them both.  
To dispel the memories Levi leans in to receive yet another kiss, despite his usual stance on the morning kisses and un-brushed teeth. And Eren accepts him, answers his plea, envelops him in his arms.

Later, after they have breakfast and a quick shower, Eren somehow coaxes Levi out of the house, what with the snowstorm having left, and Levi, reluctant and deliberately pausing as much as possible, lets himself to be dragged into winter clothes and dragged outside. Refuses steadily the exo-support since his leg is acting decent today too.

They walk in comfortable silence, the crunching of the fresh snow loud in the still white world, their hands locked tightly together. Slowly but surely they make their way through the fresh snow that has piled up to almost knee-deep level, as if they are walking underwater or on a high-gravity planet.

The way is the same they take almost every time they decide to venture outside – to the ocean.

The great dark-blue mass is unsteady and the horizon is still stuffed with the snow-clouds, heavy and brooding. The waves crush into the coast, creating the constant background, the wind comes in bouts to attack the exposed patches of skin and mess with Eren’s hair sticking from under the cap.

It is indeed funny, Levi thinks, because this place is exactly the one they have landed on the first time after the war against the titans was won. 

Levi remembers the day vividly. It was the late spring, the warm and sunny day, the perfect day to celebrate the freedom, in fact.

Eren, along with his friends from 104th run to the ocean with whooping cries, how quickly they shed their army overalls, left boots in disarray on the stony coast and run into the water, fearless of anything, drunk on happiness. Levi could only stand there and try not to focus on the presumed dirtiness of the water.

In truth, the fact that Eren was almost naked, wet and happy helped him a lot.

Eren was smiling so much that day, the way he was unable to during the war and Levi, maybe for the first time realizing that they are alive, that they have some sort of future that does not include being chewed and swallowed, suddenly saw all the opportunities and his own desires that he refused to acknowledge for so long, too stuck on the idea that he might die tomorrow.

Suddenly the world around him started to fill with color and sense, they came in massive rush, like water that broke through a dam. Levi was drowning in this whirlpool, overwhelmed. Smells of the salty water, his skin prickling from the wind, the warmness radiated by the stones beneath his feet.

He watched the kids play, splash each other with water, he saw them laughing, carefree, unafraid, and Levi felt truly free for the first time in his life.

Eren raised his head, a broad blinding smile on his face, their eyes locked and Levi knew, not felt, but understood with a great weight of certainty that he will confess his long-hidden feelings to Eren, that he would try to get Eren to acknowledge him not as an invincible Captain, but as a man, with his dark desires and weaknesses. 

Never before had Levi ever felt such need to be recognized, to be accepted than after meeting Eren.

He felt them crumble, all the reasons and restrictions he had put on himself. He never realized how heavy they were, how they shut off the world from him, how blind and deaf they left him. Useful as they were to make him into a superb fighter it was time for them to be destroyed, to be replaced with something new. It might have scared Levi a little, such a change, but he was acutely aware that Eren was also to suffer something similar, now that the single reason he was fighting so fervently for – to obliterate the Titans and free the Earth, was fulfilled. Why not walk this path, treacherous and unknown as it was, together?

Later that day after a long lecture on “filthiness”, a shower and quick dinner on the ship he had cornered Eren alone and asked (he had suspicions that it sounded more like “pleaded”, but whatever, it worked) if Eren would have him as a lover.

Levi had flown over titans open mouths, had his legs gripped, had various array of weapons pointed at him, he more than once saw the death right in the face, yet he had never experienced such dread as he had as he waited for Eren to respond.

In the end he had to shut Eren over his “But Captain, someone like me…” and “But I am a monster!” with a forceful and embarrassingly awkward kiss.

When Eren responded to the kiss, his slightly shaking hands finding their way to rest on the Captain’s broad back, it felt like they have won the war once again.

Eren had had very hard time persuading Levi to let him go and to return to the others before Mikasa organized search parties and notified Erwin of their possible deaths.

Levi had never thought he was that starved for simple touch and affection. Yet again, it was probably just for Eren.

He did let go, though, and even helped Eren to straighten the uniform and make his hair less a disaster.

In the end it was Eren that has begged him to travel with them and Levi, torn between wanting some comfort and peace for once and not wanting to be away from Eren for long, was persuaded by both sad puppy eyes of the brat and rather impressive speech from Erwin on importance of active rest and new experiences after the war.

Levi still suspects Erwin just wanted them out of his hair at that time as he had to settle all the political shitstorms that inevitably occurred after the ships returned to the Earth and resettlement was starting chaotically.  
The have traveled a lot, have seen everything that was described in Armin’s files, with wide eyes and face-splitting smiles and enthusiasm from Eren and his friend’s side and contemplative, philosophical awareness from the Captain’s side. In fact he had to get them out of numerous troubles that arouse from not knowing the environment (Jean managed to break his leg on a glacier, Eren once fell through the ice on a fine spring morning, giving Levi a mini heart-attack, Armin managed to get a concussion, twice).

All in all, everyone enjoyed the trip to the extent, even if Levi did complain about the trouble with keeping up the hygiene to his standards. Eren was the only one who listened, though. And would sometimes help him ease the stress in the most natural way.

Levi even started to develop taste for outdoor sex (still, it bothered him that Eren had to keep as quiet as possible; but the romantic environment was not unwelcome – under the stars, on the shore of a lake, in a forest) but after nearly a year he began yearning for a more or less comfortable bed and a soundproof room. And more time alone with Eren.

In the end the old injury also took toll on him and he announced his return to the civilization. Eren, after a short moment of falter, announced that they were leaving together then (Levi hated himself for being so happy on hearing that Eren had chosen him over his travel ideas and friends, however pathetic it might seem).

An unexpected present from Erwin – a small house, built on the newly developed technology for resettlement programs was waiting for them.

It was mostly empty when they arrived, only the most vital furnishing installed.

Even the bed they had to get later themselves (yet Levi remembered the first day in the empty bedroom, the haphazardly strewn sheets on the floor and Eren’s moans that echoed in the bare walls and poured on Levi like raindrops – finally they were completely naked, completely free and completely alone).

By then their sexual life was more of a stumble, a chaotic trial-and-error walkthrough, where it was hard to voice the desires and fantasies when you are in a fucking tent in a middle of nowhere and other brats are wandering around or sleeping, where new experiences were made mostly by inspirations, or, in some cases that Levi remembers with mild embarrassment, from mistakes and restricted environment. 

Blow-job, for example was the result of a mistake.

Levi had had half-naked Eren in his tent, he was in a rush to get his overall off as quick as possible since the brats went to gather some food and firewood and left the pair to “watch over the camp” – an opportunity Levi was not letting go of (the 104th did notice how Levi would calm down after some time alone with Eren and used this option, consciously or not, to get him off their backs).

He also discovered that unzipping the overall too quickly while simultaneously pulling down the underwear could result in the pubes getting stuck in the zipper. Instead of a healthy bout of rushed and steamy sex they got engaged in rescuing Levi’s skin and dignity (it was hard to keep unconcerned mask on his face in such a moment, but then again he had a lot of practice). Somehow, Eren decided that kissing the reddened skin will help the pain go away, and childish as the notion is in its nature, it turned into one of the most arousing spectacle Levi had ever seen.

It was exactly the scene where you could say “one thing led to another” and not to feel guilty for it as Levi to this day is not completely sure how did they end up with Eren’s mouth over his cock. But he remembers the rest that has followed, so all is fine he reasons.

The sexual explorations were both embarrassing and pleasing and Levi sometimes recalls them with bitter-sweet nostalgia. They would read of course things on the Net in order to get some ideas of the main mechanics, yet their own characters were devastating for smooth sailing – Eren was too enthusiastic, too diligent, too eager to use all the techniques he had read about at once, while Levi was stubborn and inflexible: if this thing worked why try something new?

That has been a year of discoveries, that is for sure. Both in the idea of rediscovering the Earth and the way human relationship and bodies worked. A year of self-revelations too. For example Levi would never think that sticking his fingers up someone’s ass could be almost a religious experience, but then again, it was Eren’s butt we are speaking of.

For example Levi had always thought that fucking, sex and love-making are different words for the same thing, yet he discovered that it was quite opposite. And that he enjoys all three, depending on the mood or situation. That sleeping in one bed with somebody is not an uncomfortable task requiring an incredible effort from him (dirty, stuffy, someone’s breathing on his skin), but something completely natural and enjoyable, provided none of them was trying to play a fucking octopus. 

How the sleeping face of the other is able to chase away the darkness that comes in the nights when his demons run rampant, when he is struggling under the crashing weight of the guilt, when from each shadow the faces of the dead stare at him with silent reproachfulness, condemnation, plea. Yet one look at Eren, sleeping peacefully right next to him, his skin glowing in the pearly moonlight, enables Levi to breath, to fight back, to remember that he, perhaps, deserves to live, to love and to be loved. Levi usually would clutch at him in these moments, hold fast onto his hand or body and tuck his face away into his shoulder, breathing in Eren’s scent. It helps from feeling like the sky is tilting dangerously to come crushing down on him. Sometimes Eren would wake, he would curl around Levi, holding him like he would a child, embarrassing as it is, Eren would hum a lullaby he remembered from his childhood, his hands running over Levi’s back, tracing the ragged lines of the old scars, soothing the tensed muscles. 

That one person could become your whole world and you could never find it stifling.

The list could go on and on.

Levi is pulled from his reverie by insistent tugging on his hand. Eren begs him wordlessly to take a walk along the shore and Levi follows.

There is not much to see in winter, the color faded and dirty, the stalks of the dead and sun-withered grass dancing over the snow, the waves are rolling in a tired, heavy pattern. Eren points out the icicles that have grown on the bark of the fallen tree where the water licks at it.

They are prettily glowing in the sun, diamond-like, yet much more fragile.

Eren starts chatting away, or more like giving instructions on what Levi should do in his absence in the house.

Levi comments on the house-wife-likeness of the whole speech set Eren into intense pouting. It is for Levi’s sake that Eren is doing this.

Levi should watch his sleep pattern, make sure he eats every day and not survives on tea; Eren will make him a simple list of easily cooked meals. Levi has to visit the greenhouse at least once in two days and keep a good watch on his “jungle”, as Levi usually calls it. The greenhouse is Eren’s idea and his favorite pet project, he has nurtured the plan for it for about a year of their settling and then built it almost himself with the minimal help from Levi (not that the latter refused, more like Eren enjoyed the process of building). He has filled it with plants and flowers from the forest nearby, there are vegetables and herbs growing there and Eren enjoys the gardening, even though he has never before thought much of plants.

Levi, in his turn, will come and sit in one of the lounge chairs (they usually are moved to the veranda in summer), either reading, or dozing off in the warmth or simply watching Eren mess with the plants. He has even bought Eren a green apron as a present and has had him to promise not to grow any of the “huge ass tress” in the greenhouse.

Eren threatens Levi with a detailed instruction for the watering of plants to which Levi responds “Don’t. More reasons for you to call me more often”.

Levi is forgiven for the earlier mocking and is given a kiss to the cheek.

The walk further on, for a bit, Eren’s eyes hungrily roaming over the world around them as if trying to ingrain it into his memory, before Levi points out that the sun is about to start setting.  
On their way back Eren’s starts with “In case I don’t return…” which Levi interrupts with a heavy “You will.”

After that it is Levi that is dragging them forward, through the tentative way they have made in the snow, relentless and swift in movements. He strides silently, the air about him dark and broody, heavy with something Eren cannot determine.

Eren does not complain, yet he does not really understand the sudden rush, so he simply follows (like in the old times) obediently, clasping Levis hand tightly.

Levi almost breaks through the door in his hurry and then he literally throws bewildered Eren in, on the floor right in front of the door, in his clothes, in his heavy winter boots, ignoring his questions, only to straddle him and to start desperately, hungrily kissing him, to almost claw at the clothes in the crazy feat of maddening lust that can grow from fear of losing.

Eren answers, passionately, giving all of himself into Levi’s desire, and they almost wrestle on the wooden floor, groaning, panting, starving beasts, fighting suddenly to be connected in the most primal, intimate way.  
In the end they somehow, on their hands and knees, leaving a trail of clothes behind them (Levi damns each of the article, these high-tech, clingy, tight heat-insulated clothes that are hard to get off in a mad frenzy) end up on the kitchen, Eren on his knees on the floor, his pants only half-way down his legs, his hands and his right cheek pressed to the kitchen counter, Levi behind him, fucking him roughly, driving in each thrust with such power that light explodes behind Eren’s eyelids with each forceful movement of Levi’s hips.

The kitchen is not the most suitable place for having sex (so is the house entrance), but at least there is a bottle of sunflower-seed oil that can be used as the lube, not for the first time actually, and not even for the second (Levi usually blames Eren for it, for the way he swings his hips when cooking, humming some weird melody, his back open and vulnerable to the bird of prey that is Levi).

Levi is biting at Eren’s back, leaving angry red marks, sinking his teeth into Eren’s nape with such vehemence that he tastes blood (it is hard to do so due to their height difference, but Eren is quite flexible, pliable in Levi’s arms), leaving his marks, leaving himself all over, his hands pressing bruises on Eren’s slim hips, on his ass cheeks. Eren welcomes the rough handling, panting, moaning, his hips striving to meet Levi’s movements with equal force, reveling in their tempo, the sound of skin slapping skin, the wet sounds, their breathing, all celebrating the feeling of being alive, of enjoying, the fact that both of them are so alive, still so in love, that they exist.  
Eren cums first, his come splattering on the clinically clean tiles, he is screaming, calling Levi, and Levi follows him with a guttural, animal growl, biting at his shoulder as he fills Eren up with the whole intent of going so deep that no matter what happens there always will be part of him inside of his lover.

They stay like this for some time, glued together, Levi’s arms encircling Eren’s chest, the heel of his palm feeling the rapid thumping. Levi is still inside of Eren, even though he is flaccid now, he stretches over the back of his lover, covered with sweat and bites, pressing loving, tired kisses along the spine, mouthing the strained muscles there. Eren is shuddering under him, whimpering slightly, yet not demanding for Levi to move, to take himself out, not urging them to separate.

Levi knows that Eren hates the idea of leaving with the same fervor as Levi does, yet he hides it better under the domestic worries and smiling face.

Levi knows, can see through it because they are too deep in each other. What he is doing is not only to appease his fears, but also Eren’s.

They stay like this, wrapped in each other, connected, until the darkness begins to fall outside and the clever housing system starts slowly (Eren’s idea) turn up the brightness of the inner lights.

Levi helps Eren into the bathroom, the legs of the latter shaking slightly, and they soak in the bath (Eren’s adds the dried lavender to the water, he has grown it himself in his greenhouse), Eren’s back pressed into Levi’s chest, their hands intertwined. The atmosphere is relaxed and Eren is boneless against him, his check pressed to Levi’s shoulder. 

Levi kisses the crown of his head, rubs his nose in the thick hair.

Their Love, Levi thinks, is a true soldier love. It is not about loyalty or strength, it is about underlying bitterness that follows it. No matter how happy, how peaceful the moment is, somewhere deep both of them aware of the death hovering over their backs. Far too long they have looked it into the face to discard its existence.

Levi knows that Eren is haunted by the survivor guilt as strongly as Levi himself.

How many times would he wake up in the middle of the night to see the bed cold and empty, to hurry to the living room, to gather Eren, who is sitting there motionless and silent, with tears cascading from his eyes, into his arms, shush at him, sit down there with him not adding any words of sympathy, all too aware how false they sound at this moments, but simply being there, hoping his presence eases the constricting hold of the memories and second-guessing away. Eren, who even at the moments like this refuses to wake up Levi since Levi has this crazy case of insomnia and needs his sleep. Eren, who is so beautiful in such moments, when he is so brittle, so pained, trembling softly in Levi’s embrace, caving in.

Sometimes he would start talking, telling and retelling what he was remembering about, sometimes he just cries until the dawn breaks and the sunlight fills the room, leaving no place for the darkness to lurk in.  
Levi remembers the first night like this, the night when Eren wailed and told him about his parents, how his mother had died, how he had killed his father.

He is still unsure whether he should place Grisha as a martyr or a bastard. Yes, what he had done that day was important and helped them in the end, yet to leave your son with memories like these, was there really no other way?

Levi hates the fact that deep inside he knows that there was no other way, that Eren is to carry this burden till the end of his days, so he can only hope to help him to shoulder it.

This darkness, the blood on their hands, the lingering voices and faces of people, those who survived, and those who have not, they never left.

Levi could sit in a sun-warmed greenhouse and watch as Eren carefully moves the plants from one pot to a bigger one, watch him work with the fresh, clean soil, lovingly touching the stem and the leaves, his face peaceful, no creases, his eyes not filled with desperate, burning determination, and the pain, still gnawing from the depth of his soul would throw everything in such deep contrast that he would feel the maddening rush of affection and love towards Eren, that he would plunge into it, enjoying every second of the sight-whitening surge of emotion that drowned away the constant whisper of the dark part of his soul.

That was the reason he would sometimes jump Eren in the kitchen, the normality of seeing your lover cooking you food while standing so open and fragile on the kitchen, barefooted, surrounded by mouth-watering smells, the sun dancing on his messy bed-hair and exposed skin, the goddamn t-shirt sliding from one shoulder has been so contrasting to the memories that has been surrounding him all night long.

And Eren never refuses, pliant and susceptible, he answers Levi’s passion with adequate force, turns playful, smiling and giggling, light and flirty when Levi tickles him (another revelation for Levi - sex could be fun), reciprocates the gentleness and loving gestures tenfold.

Eren himself is rarely needy, yet when he is, he comes on with an unrelenting force of a summer storm and Levi welcomes these moments, welcomes the feeling of being needed and wanted by Eren. But usually Eren’s fears and struggles are loosened by simple caresses, by feeling of Levi’ solid support and unwavering affection.

They move to the bedroom after the bath, heavy and dizzy from the activity and hot water, Levi agrees to bring some snacks to Eren upon the condition that Eren stays like this, wrapped in a thin sheet, stretched over the bed in his naked glory. He slaps Eren’s pert ass playfully before leaving, remembering how angry and astonished Eren was when Levi had first done it. Eren makes a quick, yet coordinated motion with one leg as if he wants to kick Levi in retaliation yet he is too soft to react correctly so Levi is not in any real danger.

The snacks are eaten carefully so as not to spill any crumbles on the sheets, the bites are somehow getting mixed with kisses, playful nudging, finger feeding, provocative lips licking and are not finished before the oncoming wave of heated lust overtakes them, before Levi pushes Eren onto his back and ravishes him the way a starved man would. Eren hooks his legs behind Levi’s back, drawing him in, welcoming, seductive in his squirming and tremors, his skin once again covered with gem-like droplets of sweat.

Levi helps to clean Eren and the tray with the remnants of snacks, seeing that Eren is rendered boneless from Levi’s passion.  
Levi takes his time at doing the dishes, feeling the melancholy overcome him as he stands alone on the kitchen, mechanically cleaning the plate until it squeaks. Eren is leaving the next day, after the midday and Levi feels apprehension fill him, feels the desperation at how little time is left for them.

When he returns to the bedroom he stops dead in his tracks.

Eren stands there, in his army overall, the black and slick material hugging the lean body perfectly, as they used to 10 years ago.

His eyes follow up the firm and beautiful lines of his lover body but he is not seeing the beauty of it, he is seeing a cruel reminder of what is to come, of what has happened before, when both of them wore the uniform.  
It feels like someone wedged a rock in his throat and it refuses to budge even when Levi swallows loudly. Eren turns around, startled, his eyes quickly taking on apologetic look, he splutters how he just wanted to try it on and see if it still fits…

In the far right corner a bag sits, the kind the army has issued 10 years ago, open and ready to be filled with clothes and the small things Eren will be taking with himself, and it looks like a hungry mouth waiting to crunch on your flesh and bones should you come closer.

Levi orders Eren to strip and shoves the uniform into the bag, not caring to fold it properly, zipping it up with angry force, nudging it away until it sits in the shadow, lurking and waiting for its time. Eren is sorry; he has really expected to be able to try the uniform and then put it back before Levi has returned. He is well aware how painful all of this to Levi, these reminders, the clues of his departure, so he follows behind Levi all the while, his hands touching the tense back of his older lover, trying to soothe, to apologize, to prove to Levi that he is still here.

The rest of the evening is spent on having Levi cool down from his fury, on Eren fawning over him, hoping to ease the deep crease between the thin eyebrows. It is wrong, Levi knows, should be the other way round yet it is as it is.

Levi’s face is the one of the Captain preparing for the final battle, hard, unforgiving yet pained. Eren makes up to him with kisses and hugs, with pleading, passionate eyes that Levi is unable to resist, until Levi gives in, succumbs to the caresses and relaxes a little, until Eren coaxes him gently into sleep. They fall asleep cuddling (Levi is never “cuddling”, he is displaying his ownership, that was what he said the first time Eren pointed out how physical he is) for once and Levi actually sleeps despite the tense atmosphere and heat that Eren’s body bleeds out in excess.

Levi has strange, clammy dreams this night, he wakes up more than once, disoriented, his head heavy, his thoughts blurry. He is not exactly sure what he dreams of: memories or his apprehension seeking his attention? He wishes that tomorrow never comes, yet he wishes for morning to come sooner to dispel these dreams.

His leg starts hurting, a boring, continuous sort of pain akin to that of a bad tooth.

In the darkness he searches for Eren, who has scooted away unconsciously since it is too hot to sleep wrapped up in each other, finds his warm body that moves steadily with each deep breath, feels Eren’s presence calm him, wash over him like fresh water, clearing his head and eventually he falls asleep again only to wake up later. 

In the morning he opens his eyes to the sight of Eren sitting on the floor and folding his clothes into a careful heap that is to be placed into the bag. Levi turns to his side, silent, watchful, his eyes roaming over the straight back, messy hair (probably combed with fingers), over the bare nape that is the main and only weakness as Levi knows.

He remembers how he was expected to be able at any moment sink his laser blade into it, to put an end to the existence that is Eren.

How blasphemous these ideas now seem to him.

Eren finally notices the change in Levi’s breathing pattern, turns his head to catch Levi staring at him, his grey eyes dull and cloudy from the bad night. Somewhere deep there pain lurks, yet Levi keeps it away, as much as possible. Eren notices still. Crawls to the bed on all fours, sits near Levi’s head, leans in for a soft good morning kiss. The room is silent, only their breathing can be heard as Eren rubs his nose with Levi’s, closing his eyes, sighing. The older man reaches out and cards his fingers through the bedhead in front of him until his hand gets tangled in knots. Levi frowns, retracts his hand, sits up.

He suspects that he is not looking well-rested, since the night was heinous. Eren is quick to confirm his suspicions by reaching out to touch Levi’s forehead and asking worriedly:

\- Are you feeling well?

Levi closes his eyes for a moment reveling in Eren’s worry. He entertains a sudden and childish idea of saying that no, he is not well, that Eren cannot leave Levi here sick and tired without proper nurture and care, yet it is so out of character for him, no matter how tempting it sounds, that he steels himself and straightens, shrugging off the fatigue as he is used to.

His leg is pulsing with pain though - retribution from yesterday vigorous walking and love-making. He runs his hand over the calf, forcefully massaging it until Eren takes over, his fingers sure, yet gentle. He pays more attention to the ankle, making Levi turn and twist it to test the waters.

In the end Levi decides that he still is able to walk around without exo-support after affirming Eren that he will be careful.

He does not want Eren to see him like this on the last day – a weak and pained old man.

He wants Eren’s memory of him before leaving to be of the Humanity Strongest still.

The breakfast is cooked and while eating Levi steals sideway glances to the digital clocks, hating that every time they show how closer and closer they are to the time of Eren’s departure.

He is caught at it, of course, and Eren smiles softly, though there is some pain hidden in his eyes also, more radiant than Levi’s. He covers Levi’s hand with his own - a warming, supportive gesture, yet a hint of apology there.   
Levi sighs, leans onto Eren’s shoulder.

He somehow hates the apparent normality that surrounds them today of all days– their comfortable home clothes, the smell of the food, the light filtering through the windows (he notices the dust dancing in the sunrays, feels a stab of guilt for ignoring cleaning, but the matter with Eren is more important), the casual touches.

Eren nudges his head with his nose and suddenly asks, a light and mischievous lull in his voice, if Levi wants to take a bath with him.

If it is not an invitation then Levi is a lot denser than he himself thinks of himself.

To the bathroom it is. - he says, rising to his feet (taking care not to cringe when pain assaults his ankle) and leading Eren deeper into the house, for once pointedly ignoring the unwashed dishes.

After the bath Levi is to sit in the living room, his injured leg outstretched while Eren finishes packing (not much to take, really) and comes up to stand over Levi with his hands on his hips in a suddenly protective, overbearing manner. Levi feels smaller like this, being looked down, but before the anger has fully formed, Eren already starts mother-hen bubbling on Levi’s habits:

\- I have made a list of easily-prepared dishes, it’s on your cloud, and there is enough food to last you at least two weeks, so please, Levi – he leans down, his hands landing on Levi’s cheeks, their eyes locked – please, eat well, alright?

Levi sighs in defeat, totally unable to refuse Eren when he is looking so pleading and worried like now.  
\- I will try.  
\- And your sleep. Levi, I will personally check your sleep record every day and if I…  
\- Yes, yes. I know. You are being a mother hen.  
\- I worry for you.  
\- You always do.

Eren leans closer, until their foreheads touch.

\- I always do, right. Because you are total shit at taking care after yourself. 

Levi glares back, petulant, recognizing their usual pattern of this banter. Eren smiles back at him, triumphant, a bit childish smile that still makes Levi heart miss a beat and warmth slowly seep through his veins.

\- Yes, I know all about being a cheeky brat and my language. And, as usual, look who is talking.

Instead of answering Levi simply tugs on him until their lips meet in a quick kiss. In retaliation he bites Eren’s lip and the bastard laughs out loud, loftily and merrily.

\- Brat, – says Levi fondly, his face as impassionate as always yet his eyes warmer than usual.

Eren sees it of course, leans in for another kiss, then for one more, until Levi drags him to the sofa, pushes him into the pillows, kissing, touching…

The sound of the coming motor is not loud, yet against the winter silence it sounds so foreign that they notice it at once.

The playful, warm atmosphere evaporates instantly, Levi’ face tightens into an angry, apprehensive mask, and Eren is no longer smiling.

They let go of each other and Eren runs his hand through his messy hair in a confused, unsure way, then gets up to trudge to the upper floor to get his belongings.

Levi is left there, silent and tense, his hands fisted on his laps.

Not a word is said between them and in Eren’s line of shoulder Levi can see a thin suggestion of guilt, a silent “sorry” he really does not want to hear or see.

The car stops outside and he hears the door open and close, he hears steps. Eren comes down, his back straight as if he swallowed a rod, his hand clutching the strap of the bag so tightly the knuckles turned white.

The house door opens automatically and the guest steps in. Levi listens to shuffling that comes with leaving the winter coat on the hanger and the army boots by the door.

Erwin appears in the doorway to the living room moments later, prim and proper as usual. Both of them are frozen into statues, as if expecting some kind of attack, Eren on the last step of the stairs, Levi on the sofa.

Erwin clears his throat.

\- Well, hello Levi. Hello Eren. Are you ready?

Eren salutes “Admiral!”, his movements perfect and quick, the fist thumps on his chest loudly.

Erwin nods, a bit indulgently, and then suggest Eren first to take his belongings to the car. As Eren hurries off, Erwin turns and walks over to Levi.

His face is older, that is true. He looks tired, almost exhausted, yet not defeated.

Levi suddenly jumps up, ignoring the stab of pain from the ankle, latches on Erwin’s lapels in a vice grip.

He hisses, suddenly furious, as dangerous as he has been ten years ago, ready to fight tooth and nail for what is his.

\- If anything happens to Eren you will be first I will come after! 

To Erwin’s honor, not even a muscle twitches on his perfect face, even though both of them know who Levi is and what he is able to do.

\- Levi, I am personally overseeing the whole mission and I will do everything possible to keep all the participants alive and safe.

Levi pants heavily, his teeth bared. It is his last act of resistance, his last, perhaps futile, attempt to protect what is so precious to him.

\- Levi! – and of course Eren comes running, of course he will gently coax him to let go of Erwin, he will softly reproach him while Levi fixes the admiral with a burning glare. - Levi, please! What are you doing?

Erwin coughs again, excuses himself:

\- I will give you time to say your goodbyes. It was nice seeing you, Levi. I will call sometime soon. Eren, - a slight nod to the brown-haired male, - I will wait for you in the car.

Eren nods back, still holding onto Levi and they both watch Erwin leave the room.

\- Levi, - Eren starts softly, once again cupping his face, - it is time.

Levi clutches at his waist, desperately, bringing him as close as possible, until they are flush against each other.

“Stay. I do not want you to go.”  
Levi could say it, now and here, this meek and helpless plea, yet he knows that what he wishes for do fervently is impossible.

Again.

He cannot, will not burden Eren with this guilt any more that he already has, with the guilt of leaving, moving forward while Levi stays.

He will not leave him with the last, burning image of a vulnerable, desperate man.

They kiss, softly at first, deeper and deeper with each passing second as if trying to devour, as if the hunger inside is insatiable. Eren trembles in his embrace, presses even closer.

They break up, gulping the air desperately.

\- I will call you every time it will be possible. I swear, Levi.  
\- We are both shit at words.

Eren laughs, a bit strained, yet it is laugh.

\- There is always a room for improvement then? Besides, - he suddenly pokes Levi’s chest, his smile now coy, - we can always try sex in a video call.

Levi hums, not really amused, yet indulging Eren, of course.  
Kisses Eren once more.

\- I will hold your word to this.

They kiss again, and Eren slowly backs off, his face solemn and pained.

\- I should go.

Oh how he hates goodbyes.

Levi follows him to the door, doggedly, onto the porch, he watches Eren slide into the car, waves back when Eren suddenly yells, already half-way inside “Do not let my plants die, Levi!” and waves violently.

He stays there all the time the car is still visible, gliding through the white plains, turning into a black dot. Like a falling star, a comet fading into the depth of the sky, leaving only a faint tire trail behind.

He follows it with his eyes, not even blinking once.

Then turns around and strides into the house, violently slamming the door behind him and ignoring the angry squeak of the house AI.

In the living room he stands still, suddenly feeling that all the warmth is instantly taken from the house, feeling its immerse emptiness, its corners painfully sharp and shadows sickeningly deep.

The house is dead, its soul has just left, spirited away, and Levi is left there standing, all alone and so small in the white wide and ruthless world.

He has dishes to wash. And cleaning to do.

Yet he stands there, motionless, frozen in time and spice, like a lonely tree.


	2. Far Away

\- I was told there would be sex by video calls.

Eren laughs heartily, his eyes crinkle in amusement, his smile almost face-splitting.

Levi waits, patiently, for the laughter to die, for Eren to take calming breath. He enjoys hearing Eren laugh, enjoys seeing him so happy.

The artificial light (how have he not noticed it before, after so many years on the ships) flattens Eren’s face, takes away some depth, make his eyes duller, yet it is Eren, so nothing much can take away his shine.

Eren shakes his head, chuckling.

\- I am in the middle of my watch, Levi. I doubt that either you or my crewmates will appreciate me getting down and dirty right in the common room.

Levi drums his fingers on the table, humming.

They are thousand light years apart, Levi in the small cottage in the wilderness to the north of the first settlement, Eren in the belly of a big metallic monster, surrounded by freezing emptiness, connected by a thin thread of technology and bytes being sent and received. The image each of them sees is nothing more than a collection of 1 and 0s and Levi hates himself for thinking this instead of simply appreciating the ability to see Eren.  
Levi tries not to think about ships and space much yet at night he is haunted by truly claustrophobic visions of the walls breaching in, of the precious oxygen being sucked into the darkness around, leaving Eren gaping, turning blue, clawing at his throat in useless cruel agony and moments later not breathing at all…

He never tells Eren of these half-dreams, even if Eren hounds him for not sleeping well, for not eating well, for looking pale and exhausted almost every time Eren calls.

\- It was raining yesterday, for the first time this year.

Eren perks up at these words, attentive as always.

\- So the spring is coming?  
\- It does. So does the usual mess with slush and dirt.

Eren smiles at his visible disgust, shakes his head, delighted.

\- It’s not that bad. And it’s going to be warmer and sunnier now. You should go for walks more often.  
\- There you go again, - Levi huffs, feigning irritation. In truth Eren’s worry for him makes him glad, washes over him like warm water after a long walk in the cold. He absorbs it, stores it to last him till the next call.  
\- Do not think that I will let it go simply because I am not physically there, Levi? I have gone through your sleep logs and Levi…  
\- I know, I know – Levi interrupts, raising his hands in defeat. 

He does know, he has started avoiding the bedroom since it gives him nightmares or makes him absolutely unable to sleep, leaving him to toss and turn on the empty bed that seems to stretch out infinitely now that Eren is not in it.

Instead he wanders through the house until he blacks out either on the couch or in one of the big armchairs in the study, once he had even crushed in the greenhouse, woke up drenched in sweat and with a punishing creak in his back.

Eren gazes at him reproachfully, his pout almost radiating from the screen, yet Levi matches his stare with equally flat one. The duel is not long, for all his stubbornness Eren loses quickly, bursts into laughter again.  
Levi leans back a little, content to listen, to watch Eren’s lively expression change.

\- How are my plants doing?  
\- So far they have not eaten me, so I assume they are fine. Some red shit started blooming.

Eren jumps up, excitedly.

\- Is it camellia? I have been waiting for it to bloom for ages!  
\- It is some red shit, Eren. Hell if I know.

Eren could have pointed out that each pot has a small sticker with plant’s name written in Eren’s surprisingly neat hand, but he will not.

Both of them have noticed that Levi has started squinting, that he would enlarge the text on the digital screens, frowning all the while, that he would bump into things if a room was dimly lit, but both of them carry on as if nothing is happening in order to spare Levi’s pride.

Levi knows that sometime soon he will have to go to a clinic and have his eyesight adjusted, yet to admit it out loud is almost impossible.

Maybe he ought to do that while Eren’s away. The idea is nice, except there would be no one to take care of him during the rehabilitation period and Levi will not stand anyone else to look after him in weakened state. These contradictions inside Levi’s head are what make Levi who he is even if they wreck his life sometimes.

Levi is full of them, his obsessiveness in cleanliness neighboring his surprisingly, even to him, filthy attitude in sex, his need to be loved is in constant war with his pride, his crass language failing to deliver his affection and gentleness, his rule-following on duty meeting his total inability to construct his routine at home turning each one into a bouquet of compulsive tosses.

Eren knows and accepts him to these depths, he does not show any surprise when Levi presses him to take shower in the most thorough way every time yet is capable to sink on his knees and stick his tongue into Eren’s asshole right in the morning. He would clean the rooms till there is no speck of dust but fall asleep in his clothes and boots. He would put all the books (the treasure of old days) in strict alphabetical order only to wrench them out chaotically the next day in his impatience, should he want to search for something he does not remember. All of this with such straight, impassionate face you would think it is a normal way of behaving. Eren is understanding of his compulsive bouts, allowing Levi shift from one extreme of the need to another, cleaning up after his attacks on the book cases, carefully pulling Levi’s boots off should he find him blacked out like this, sticking out his behind while rushing to turn off the stove when he feels hands squeezing his ass with bruising force..

Yet Eren himself is not a simple short-tempered character many thinks him to be and, strangely, it takes Levi to understand and accept it. Levi listens to Eren’s calm and unflinching report on three people killed by Eren when he and Mikasa were 9 year old, and he finds that these morbid details, these dark and strangely logical twists and turns in Eren’s vision is what makes him so much more complex than simply “an angry kid”. Eren himself is often running from one extreme to another, trying to hold both ends and being ripped apart by them, yet he does not give in and continues this again and again. Some, Levi learns, think it to be stupid of Eren, yet Levi knows, that to Eren there is simply no other way. The child that kills a grown-up man like he would a rabid dog is the same that worries himself sick when Levi cannot sleep, the same that plants thick, gleaming seeds into fresh soil, yet the same person that bites into his hand so hard that blood spurts on his face. It is all Eren, sharp angles and deep bogs, and Levi also accepts him without hesitation.

Both of them are a strange mix of unyielding stubbornness and constant giving in to each other.

They talk a little longer until Mikasa comes to replace Eren on his watch. Her greeting is curt but lacks the frosty bite it used to have.

Levi says his goodbyes, trying to contain the disappointment with the shortness of the call. He is not soothed by the fact that Eren looks apologetic, trying to catch his gaze in the last moments of their conversation, no doubt sensing his mood. Levi waves him off, irritably.

The lack of sleep and Eren does that to him; he is more easily irritated, prone to sudden mood shifts and compulsive cleaning fits. He tries to channel his days into a certain routine yet the sleepless nights break his resolve faster than he would like to admit.

He stands up, scanning the room around him for a certain signs that cleaning should be done, yet he finds none.

There is a certain degree of disorder – a book left on the table, a sweatshirt thrown over the back of the coach, yet they are not filth, they are small holy places, the remnants of Eren’s presence (he thoroughly dusts them, but shifting them even for an inch is out of question, he is obsessed with this idea). Eren is almost as anal about cleaning due to Levi’s schooling, yet he is a living and breathing person so certain degree of chaos still finds his way in his life, as it should.

Levi has never really appreciated it like he does it these days.

Outside the rain taps on the windows in a faint, calming melody. Maybe Eren is right, Levi thinks, and he ought to go out more, but getting soaked in the ice-cold rain is not an attractive idea, so he tucks it into one of many shadow corners of his mind.

He could check if the upper rooms are in need of cleaning, he could clean the bathroom, maybe he could try to catch a wink of sleep, he could work out, maybe he ought to go read a book in the greenhouse.

The greenhouse has become a sort of temple for him, because it is entirely Eren’s place, his presence lingers there heavily, in the way pots are placed, in the choice of the plants, in the way plants look so cared for. Levi has started spending more and more time there, with a book or a film, shuffling around and watering plants, just sitting in a lounge chair and picturing Eren standing over there, some plant in front of him, tending to it. His face when he does that, the hair, that has gotten a little too long for his comfort, so he tucks it behind his ear, irritated frown on his face.

Levi can sit there until his tracker starts vibrating angrily, reminding him that he has to eat something. The reminder, twice a day, is Eren’s doing, although Levi has no idea how and when he had set it up.

If it has been Levi himself, ho could probably ignore it easily, finding any excuse, yet the mere fact that Eren has done it, that Eren has been thinking of him, worrying for Levi, makes Levi unable to ignore this thin thread that connects them. Ignoring it would be disappointing Eren, he could see his pout, his reproachful expression in his mind, Eren shaking his head, this sad line of his lips, the drooping brows, and Levi conscience is on its knees, defeated and meek. And all from the mere image of Eren.

Levi is fully aware how wrapped around Eren’s little finger he has become, yet Eren would never betray him, never use this power to hurt him. This much he knows.

The flown of time, distorted by his insomnia is so unreliable to Levi, he finds himself doing things out of order, compulsively, sometimes the same thing twice, sometime missing out on things for two-three days.  
He is thrown out of his reminiscence by a sound of the oncoming engine. Levi expects no one that he knows of.

Sure he stays connected to people of old, Erwin, Hanji, his idiotic group, he has been called by Armin 3 times and suspects that it is Eren’s scheme (Armin gives him the most innocent look at this question that looks so true that Levi knows that it is fake).

He surely has not agreed on guests.

Not that he worries about the state of his house or the food being unprepared (whoever comes without warning stays hungry, is what he firmly believes), but he despises being caught unaware.  
The car arrives to the porch just the moment Levi opens the door, not sure whether to be ready to swear or to fight (old habits die hard). The door of the car opens with such force that Levi recognizes the unexpected guest even before he sees the ponytail of brown thick hair pop out from behind of it.

\- Hanji, what the hell?

She waves like crazy, with the fully outstretched hand, her smile wide. She is not looking the image of the Commander of the Survey Corps at all, yet this is what she is.

Her cheerful attitude is in stark contrast to Levi’s dark frown, his irritation almost palpable.

She bounds to the porch, still grinning and Levi, despite his own will, feels his mood shift to a lighter one.

She is irritating at most times, her attitude is childish and boundless, yet Levi is fully aware of the sharp mind and dark ruthlessness that sit behind her childish behavior. He has never doubted Erwin’s decision to make her Commander. He may act annoyed by her usual blubber, he may ignore her sometimes but he knows that he can rely on her without a single thought when time comes.

\- I decided to check on you, as Eren has asked! – mental note to yourself, Levi, rip the bastard’s throat out at the next call.  
\- Do you have to be so damn loud all the time?

Hanji leaps up the stairs, her feet almost not touching the ground. She makes it as if she really wants to hug Levi but has enough sense to stop at the safe distance as she sees him tense, ready to kick her if she crosses his boundaries.

She rocks on the back of her feet, back and forth, grinning wildly.

The age almost have not taken any toll on her exuberance and behavior, at least when she is with friends (Levi will prefer to bite off his tongue than to call her a “friend”, but Hanji have never cared of these details). If you look closer, you will notice of course the crow feet nestling in the corner of her eyes, the white strings in the thick mane of hair, the little signs of the age edging on her face, yet her attitude overwhelms them all.  
Levi feigns unhappiness, as he is supposed to, but inside he feels lighter.

He makes her tea and listens to her bubbling about the state of affairs in the army (nothing top-secret or new, of course), tries to contain her in one room (as if) and has to drag her from the greenhouse almost by force (she coos at some plants as if they are pets), he has to stay in the doorframe in order to prevent her from entering the study.

Yet she surely somehow livens up the gloomy and cold atmosphere of the house. She is not Eren, of course, but she shakes Levi up a little, forces him out of the swampy murkiness of his thoughts.

When she announces that she has to leave Levi is both relived and sad.

She refuses to be seen out and she stops by the door, turns back to look at Levi that stands in the hall and watching her leave.

She has a sort of mischievous spark in her eyes as she informs him that there is a present waiting for him on the porch. After that she literally runs out of the door and down the steps to the car. Dumbfounded, Levi follows her. He sees car leave, almost as if in a haste, as a criminal would drive after a successful robbery.

On the porch there are two cardboard boxes, a small one and much bigger one.

He narrows his eyes at them in suspicion, and then comes up in quick strides. The small box makes a strange, shuffling sound, and Levi, overridden with suspicion, rips it open. 

Two big green eyes stare back at his frowning face.

In the silence of a gloomy spring day he hears a rather impatient, irritated meow.

***

\- A cat! She has brought you a cat!

Eren is laughing his ass off, of course, little bastard, completely ignoring the dark expression of Levi’s face.

The cat sits on the coffee table on the living room, right in front of the holo-screen, watching with animal intensity the talking figure on it.

It is a big cat, Maine Coon or something, as the Net informed Levi. It has angry, bossy attitude and manages to outstare Levi. Not that he has really been in a staring contest with a goddamn cat.

Hanji does not answer any of his calls or messages, rightfully expecting him to demand to take the bloody furball back.

Levi cannot throw the damn animal out after opening the box, he is not so heartless, yet he has no intention to keep it. The second box, as he has found out, contained all the necessary cat-things.

Damn Hanji with her usually crazy ideas.

Eren’s laughter dies out to the giggles as he concentrates on the cat in front of him.

He cooes sweetly at it, while Levi fumes at being ignored.

\- So, what is your name? Are you a pretty girl? Or are you a good boy? – seriously, Eren? Good boy? It’s not a fucking dog!

Forgoing his internal monologue, Levi huffs out irritably:

\- It’s not like I am going to keep it, so why give it a name?

Eren grins.

\- And hooow are you gonna get rid of it? Huh, Levi? Leave it to starve in the forest in the cold?  
\- I was planning on summoning Armin to take it away.

Eren smirks challengingly.

\- I will make sure he will not have any free time to come to pick it up.

Levi frowns deeper, staring back intensely.

\- I did tell Hanji that you are lonely…  
\- Well, fucking thanks!  
\- … But I did not expect the idea with a cat, to tell you the truth.

Eren leans back in his chair.

He is off-duty today, so he is dressed in a military green t-shirt and loose overall that the army gives for everyday wear. It’s open and hangs on his hips. He sits on a chair in his small cabin, one leg up on the seat. His posture relaxed, flowing. His hair will need to be cut soon, Levi notices absent-mindedly.

Levi studies him for any sign of weariness or unhappiness, yet he finds none.

Previously, in one of the calls Eren has told him that he sometimes missed the space, and, despite not wanting to leave Levi, he has actually thought of going back there at least once.

Levi could not really lie that he has never thought about it too. For all the pain, all the losses he has left there, the space has never really left him.

The cat sits between them, once again the center of Eren’s intense and mirthful scrutiny.

Levi has spent the whole day stalking it around the house as it walked looking as if it owned everything here. Levi waited for it to make a slip, to drop something , to start scratching the walls, to try to piss on the floor, just give him a reason, one reason to kick it out, yet the cat, haughty as it was behaving, was impeccable. He has left the doors and windows open, inviting the cat to “unfortunately get lost in the wild” and the damn animal ignored them with majestic ease.

Levi has sworn the whole day, damning Hanji, the cat, Eren, the heavens and Erwin for some reason.

He has tried to contact the admiral, of course, to complain, but Erwin declined all calls on account of being busy. Levi has left some cross messages to him just for his own satisfaction.

So far the cat showed no promises of leaving.

Eren starts mulling over possible names, providing the dumbest ideas at speed light. 

Levi shoots down every one of them (Fluffy? – Are you an idiot, Eren?) and the cat, tired of their banter, jumps from the table and trots to its basket.

Both of them follow it with their eyes, but Levi is the only one who can see where it is gone.

\- Actually a cat might really do you some good.

Levi turns back to the screen and gets caught in Eren’s scrutinizing stare. He is fully aware that neither his bags under his eyes, nor his overall paleness will be missed.

Eren leans in a little.

\- You are not really angry, are you, Levi?  
\- I have right to be pissed off when people decide for me. If I wanted a shitty filthy animal at my house I could have got one myself.  
\- You were dead set against the idea when I have brought it up. – Levi will rather kill himself than admit out loud that the mere idea of an animal in the house to which Eren will be paying attention (possibly more than to him) was enough to make him burn with acidic jealousy. Not to mention all the dirt it could bring.  
\- Animals are filthy. There is fur everywhere now and if this little shit dares to use the floor as his toilet, I will skin it alive – he grits out.

Eren shakes his head and smiles coyly, and suddenly his voice is as sweet as when he addressed the cat, purring.

\- I am pretty sure I know how to make you feel better.

Levi is a perhaps fool, a lovesick and easily-distracted one, yet this tone, the promise in these words ignite the dark burning in his gut. Their eyes meet and Eren’s are intense, inviting.

Levi has lost all his arguments, has lost to Eren completely, as always.

Eren licks his lips, seductive, runs his hand over his chest in a slow, attention catching movement until it dips into the front of his overall.

He chuckles, and the sound makes Levi shudder in sweet apprehension. He hungrily runs his eyes all over Eren’s body until he once again catches this heavy-lidded, lustful stare.

Eren smiles, a victorious, playful smile. He has Levi at his beck and call, he has him wanting, burning, desiring, his very being attuned to each Eren’s movement and Eren knows it.

He cocks his head to one side, his slightly too-long hair falling on his cheek.

\- I did promise you something good, didn’t I?

His hands playing with the hem of his shirt, Levi can see glances of a patch of smooth skin a few times.

Levi swallows, his throat suddenly dry and hot, his body feverish with lust. His hand twitches, desiring to seek that place between his legs where the heat is concentrating.

\- You did. – Levi growls, voice thick with impatience and want, - and you’d better keep your damn promises.

Eren’s smile widens and the shirt is being lifted up, the smooth torso Levi knows so well gleaming in the artificial light of the ship as it is being slowly, sensually revealed and to Levi there is only Eren, only this very moment, each his movement, each sound he makes.

The cat snores away in its basket, absolutely not interested in the problems of the stupid humans.

***

The summer comes and the cat is still there, comfortable in the house and outside of it.

In fact it does more to improve Levi’s poor routine than any reminder ever can.

It demands to be fed exactly at 6 am and if the food is not being prepared by that time all hell breaks loose – the incessant mewling, door scratching, the running is enough to make a dead person set to action, and Levi loses this battle of will constantly. He really hates to admit that a stupid cat is able to be more stubborn than he is.

The cat is still named “Cat”, despite Eren’s and Hanji’s valiant efforts to think up good names. Sometimes the cat is also a “bastard”, “little noisy shit”, “shitty furball” and “just you try”.

Eren is immensely interested in Levi’s grumblings on the newly acquired pet and encourages Levi to get to know it better. Levi refuses loudly, threatening to throw it out if! While with one hand scratching behind the goddamn animal’s ear. He is fully aware how truly fucked up he is, being led around by both bright-eyed brats and cats, but cannot bring himself to care, really.

The summer is perfect this year, equally warm and rainy and Eren’s garden is magnificently majestic. Levi sends over a hundred photos to Eren who demands to check each plant. He starts enjoying the gardening suddenly.  
There is a troubling thing in their conversations, like a spider web thread, thin, but visible and sticky. It is not expressed verbally but Levi starts noticing how little Eren talks about the expedition. He sees that under Eren’s usual sure and brave attitude lies something, some anxiety that is hard to pin down. Levi tries to ask but Eren sometimes subtly and once quite openly changes the topic of the conversation. They dance around this topic, sometimes stumble on it in their usual exchanges and each time they come upon it Levi feels acidic aftertaste in his mouth. His refined instinct screaming for him to be alert, flashing red warning lights inside his head.

Levi worries, and this nagging feeling keeps him awake. Unable to sleep, unable to distract himself, he tosses and turns in the middle of lofty summer nights. He takes midnight strolls outside, under the starry skies, yet they do not calm him. He often stands there, staring up into the universe as if trying to pinpoint where Eren is, to receive a signal that he is okay and is going to return. Sometimes, the cat goes with him, though it does not stay with him and sneaks in the grass, searching for wild mice and critters (Levi finds their dead bodies on the porch and every time he breaks into swearing fit yet the cat is not deterred by his condemnation).

Sometimes he runs through their photos on his cloud, though mostly it is Eren’s photos. He finds himself reproaching himself for not taking more shots of them together. As of now they have five such photos and each of it sports his blank face instead of the happiness he has been feeling at the time each photo was taken: Eren and him in the uniforms, on the official Victory day, lavished in the attentions as heroes, a photo of him sleeping on the blanket on the grass and Eren taking a shot from his outstretched hand, his eyes alight with mirth and the smile is enough to make Levi’s stomach do somersaults, a photo of them together in formal wear, Eren looking sleek and attractive in a black tuxedo, both of them standing on the balcony (one of the commemorating events they are forced to go to by Erwin each year), Levi’s arm draped around Eren’s waist in a seemingly carefree gesture (Eren was so beautiful that night that Levi had hard time waiting for the whole shitty evening to end so he simply fucked Eren in the toilet, a pattern he would reproduce each year without fail), a photo of them together on the beach (which was nice if you disregard the fact that Levi is spotting the first stage of his sunburn on this photo and his redness later became a thing of legendary measure) and a strangely calm and domestic photo, Hanji’s pride, of them sprawled on the coach, Eren face smashed into Levi’s chest as they both doze.

His all-time favorite photos of Eren are with him smiling, frowning and generally being his emotional self – Eren playing in the water in the summer, Eren sleeping on their bed, Eren standing on a large stone over a glacier (10 minutes before Kirstein breaks his damn leg), Eren frowning angrily as he listens to Mikasa (why? Levi does not really remember), Eren laughing, smirking, Eren soaked in the rain, Eren sleeping in the dumbest way on the coach – his legs on it, his head and shoulders on the floor, and a rather explicit collection of Eren naked and in throes of passion – Levi’s personal dirty achievement as Eren has at first refused point blank to be photographed during the lovemaking and it took about month of Levi’s pleading and providing arguments to secure a tentative “okay, but only, you know, the first part”. The proudest moment of Levi’s life has been the fact that he had made Eren get so sucked in the process that he has totally forgotten his inhibitions and ignored his own borderlines.

The result has been highly satisfying for both parties involved. Eren complained that they had no such photos of Levi but had repeatedly failed to take any good photos once the process started and the involvement of them both became too heated to think straight. 

He runs through them, gazes at some of them, the memories from the very moment enrapturing him. He wishes Eren back, safe and sound, promises wordlessly that when (when, not if) he returns, Levi will make them both take a thousand new ones, of them together. Possibly the cat will be included.

Levi spends this day in cleaning and working out, having unlatched the stupid cat from his legs more than once during the sit-ups. His leg throbs with pain, but it is bearable as he sits and stretches.

It is at this moment that his tracker vibrates, signaling an incoming call. Levi jerks up, startled. He trudges to the screen, trying not to step too heavily on the aching leg. On the screen the image is loading far too long for his comfort and when it does, he sees Eren floating. Literally.

For a second inside Levi a signal lights screech to life. In this age and day there is never a ship without a false gravity system so for it to be off something must have….

\- We are running some repairs, Levi, so we are off the gravity for some time.

It is funny how Eren is instantly able to understand Levi’s inner turmoil and how Levi is able to understand that Eren lies. He no longer turns red in the ears as he has used to, yet Levi sees it, clearly, in the eyes, in the strained smile. Eren is hanging a bit awkwardly, not really used to zero-gravity, his hair floating as if he is underwater. For a second Levi imagines just that – Eren swimming in crystal clear water, the sun rays that tear through the thickness of the ocean splaying on his naked skin, yet the image is not calming, it is frightening because Levi can see cold and bottomless darkness under Eren and it feels like it watches him, hungrily, waiting for its moment.

Levi shakes his head to dispel the image, catches Eren’s questioning gaze at that. He ignores it and starts throwing questions, perhaps a little too aggressively, at Eren. What is the problem, why the gravity module turned off, what about oxygen, is Eren all right, when the repairments are going to be over, when they are going to head back home. Eren dodged around the whole dialogue, refusing to answer questions straight, stumbling on words, pausing….

\- Why are you lying to me?

Levi hates himself instantly at the moment the words leave his mouth. Why did he have to sound so angry? Eren flinches, as if slapped across the face. His eyes reflect both hurt and guilt, he hunches over like a little kid scolded by the grown-ups, wraps his arms around himself. Yet Levi is tired, so, so tired of this play-pretend game “everything is well”. It does not suit Eren’s honest nature, the lies almost visibly pains him. And it scratches over Levi’s soul. The lies, the ugly truth that shines through.

The silence between them is deafening, both grasping for words to say. Levi is torn between apologizing (most likely he screws it, as usual) and pursuing the matter, breaking Eren’s defense further until he gives in (most likely to lead to a row).

The cat quietly sneaks into the room and jumps on the coach with full intent to be petted. Levi ignores it, but the movement throws his thoughts out of the swirling jumble.

\- I am sorry, Levi.

Eren’s voice sound pathetic, a bit like he is on verge of crying and it tears into Levi’ heart. He wants to rush in, to cradle the boy in his arms and sooth the pain and confusion away; he wants to physically hold Eren and to forget that this exchange ever happened. Haven’t he sworn to protect Eren, not to hurt him anymore? Yet here he is, as usual, lashing out in anger in frustration, venting his helplessness out on Eren. The cat prods his unresponsive hand impatiently.

\- I… am sorry. It’s just… there is too much unknown right now, Levi, so I cannot say anything for sure… - Eren is rubbing his forehead, distressed, apologetic, his lips trembling. Levi is bleeding inside. Why the fuck everybody apologizes to him?  
\- I know you worry and I just don’t want to scare you even more… I just! – His voice jumps, reaching almost hysterical notes by the end.

Levi opens his mouth, ready to kneel and beg for forgiveness for his idiotic attitude. Eren shuts him up more effectively than he could ever dream in his worst nightmares.

\- I just wanted to see you, because…

The silence that follows is filled with so many things that Levi is immobilized with dread. He sits there and feels the world fade to grey, watches Eren’s face intently in vain hope for “oh, I’m joking” understanding that he will never believe such words. Because I do not know if I can see you again, because it might be the last time we see each other, because everything is falling apart and I’m so scared and helpless, Levi…

Eren looks imploring, exhausted, pushed to his limits. He should not be there, Levi thinks somewhere in the back of his mind, he belongs here, in their home, at Levi’s side, curled under his arm, the damn cat nestling into him. Here, in safety, where Levi can shield him, protect him from the world. He feels himself start trembling, cold sweat running down his spine.

\- Tell them to turn fucking back. – How he manages to say it when his lips are so tightly pressed, his every muscle so tense? How he manages to simply sit there and continue talking instead of running all over the room, kicking the furniture in helpless fury, screaming, pleading with Heavens, with Erwin, with the space to do fucking something, to return Eren safely into his arms? Truly, the world, this cruel world, is filled with wonders.

\- Tell them to get back here, Eren! – he roars now, jumping to his feet, his fists balled in front of him. He is ready to fight, to protect what is the most important to him, a cornered animal shaking in desperation.  
Eren looks near tears now, saying “You know I can’t, Levi… I can’t… It’s the expedition… we cannot just leave… Levi… Levi!”. Each word like a nail driven into Levi’s soul. He sits back down, shaking, buries his face into his hands, runs his trembling fingers through his hair, tries to regulate breathing. Then he looks up to see Eren looking at him. 

Suddenly, it all stops, the very air stills. Levi almost vibrates with the overwhelming emotions, but Eren sits there, his eyes no longer scared or pleading, instead the beautiful and deadly determination, Eren’s power is starting to shine through, as the heat glows through the embers when you blow on them. His face is a tight mask, lips pursued together. Levi is mesmerized against his own will, as always captured by this hard and beautiful gaze.

\- I must see this expedition through, Levi. Till the very end. That is why I am here.

Eren’s voice has this fatal finality, the surety that Levi knows so well. He has no words to offer against it, cannot really put any resistance. It is both funny and sad but in the end even Levi will lose to Eren’s determination. Have he himself not said back then that there is no chain, no person that can keep Eren bonded, that can stop him? Levi’s love for this person, Levi’s emotions, they will hurt Eren, they will leave him scarred, yet they will never be enough to stop him.

Eren’s crooked smile is bitter, his eyes, hard as they are, take a bit of apologetic gleam.

\- I am sorry. But I must do it.

And the worst thing? The worst thing that Levi would have done it too, like this. He would not have backed away; he would have been physically unable to run. Levi and Eren, two unstoppable beasts, that what they have always been. He sits there, in silence, the words, so many useless, stupid words surging through his head. Should he fall on his knees and beg for Eren to reconsider? A useless feat.

Should he promise to kill himself, in case he receives the grim news? He will not burden Eren with such ideas, cannot do this to him.

\- I love you, Eren. – Why should his lips tremble so much when he speaks? His throat feels parched, it pains him to swallow.

Eren smiles, weakly, as if it is not the only real confession he has ever heard from Levi, as if he has heard it every day. And he did, just not in words. Just like Levi heard, felt it too, in Eren’s eyes, in his little private smiles, in touches, in warm, heartfelt gestures. It is there, their love, and it is strong, powerful even, yet neither Levi nor Eren really believe that love is stronger than death. They have seen death win every time.

\- I love you too.

It hits Levi, harder than he ever thought it could, their love formed into words. It leaves him breathless. Somehow, his eyes are burning but no tears come.

He hangs his head, admitting his defeat.

\- Levi.

Of course Eren will never let it end like this.

\- I will try to do everything to make it back.  
Levi raises his head once more. Meets Eren’s straight, open stare. 

\- Please be safe, Eren.

Eren nods, smiling again. 

\- Bye, Levi.  
\- I hate good-byes.  
\- Yeah, I know. – It is a mere whisper, yet it contains so much fondness that Levi is once again overwhelmed.

Levi sits in front of the screen for a good hour staring into the void before the cat almost forcefully evicts him from the coach. He wonders which gods should he pray to, which sins he still have to atone for in exchange of Eren’s life.

He spends next days in jittery anxiety, jumping as he imagines his tracker to buzz, yet Eren does not call. In the middle of the night, two days later, as he tries to will himself to sleep, he feels the faint vibration. It is not a call, it is a message.

Levi reads it and drops his hand down, powerless with the understanding. He almost feels nothing. He is dead, and he marvels how his heart still manages to beat if it hurts so much.

He could have died in the underworld, could have ended being eaten by a titan, killed by Military Police, Kenny, gods know who else, yet he has lived so long only to have his world crushed, smashed to pieces by simple words.

“I’m sorry, Levi. I love you”.

Eren is not coming back.


	3. Galaxy of Time

He spends two days in bed, not sleeping, rather blacking out from time to time. He does not know what time it is, what part of a day. He gets up only to feed the cat (which is quieter, perhaps realizing the devastation Levi is going through) and to get to the toilet (he retches all the yesterday food into it).

He does not eat, does not sleep, does not cry. He lies there, sometimes staring at the ceiling, sometimes into the window, waiting for the end of the world to come and to mercifully end his suffering. He gets calls and messages; at least he assumes so as his tracker vibrates often. He ignores everything. The cat sleeps in his legs, offering a feeble support, yet Levi is emotionless. His grief so vast that it does not allow anything else to enter his mind: neither any bodily desires like food or water, nor his usual cleanliness concerns. 

Levi wonders why he cannot just kill himself yet he feels too weak to even move. It is only one way for him – to wait for the death to take him. He wonders if there is hell, because if there is he is most likely going straight there. He wonders if he will be allowed to see Eren, who is most likely in the heaven, where he belongs. Surely hell cannot be worse than what he is feeling now.

In this trance-like state he wanders through their memories, Eren’ s figure taking weight and volume with each moment, he can imagine his smell, the sound of his voice, the warmth of his body next to Levi. He can almost picture him, visualize Eren somewhere on the edge of his vision, yet the illusion breaks should he turn his head, vanishes into thin air and it feels so painful, each and every time.

At one moment he opens his eyes only to see Erwin standing over him, by the bed. His face is paler than usual, the bags under his eyes almost luminous, yet his eyes are alight with silent fury. Levi does not say anything, has no power to struggle against the vice grip on his hand, allows himself to be dragged into the shower. Erwin strips him effortlessly, more like shakes him out of the clothes that have turned a bit loose after the two-day starvation and puts him under scalding hot water, just the way Levi used to. Not a word is said between them. 

After the shower Levi is dragged into the kitchen and put on a chair, in a way one might do with a child. He watched without real interest as Erwin throws the ingredients he can find on the cupboards, preparing something. Levi feels numb, lifeless, he realizes that it smell like food yet what kind of food, whether it is delicious, or even edible does not register with him.

He watches as Erwin fumes and some cold, rational part of him analyzes it while his heart dwells in misery. Long time ago, in one of their post-confession conversations Eren has once mentioned that in the Corps it had been quite a common belief that Levi and the Commander were in a “closer” relationship. Back then Eren was not really interested in the love matters so he did not pay much attention to it (Levi managed to keep straight face and not to show any bitterness at Eren’s carefree admission that while he was struggling with his feelings and responsibilities Eren never spared him a thought in that direction) he actually worried if their current relationship might worsen Levi’s friendship with Erwin.

Levi was not sure whether to feel indignant or amused by the fact that people assumed such closeness. Yes, Levi trusted him as he would trust to an excellent Commander who knew his ways both on the battlefields and in political jungles, but to sleep with Erwin? 

In the end he chose to inquire whether Eren was jealous and received a surprisingly well-thought answer that if their friendship was anything like between Armin and him he fully understood.

Levi sworn to himself never to tell Eren that, in fact, he had been always jealous of Mikasa and Armin. He hated to come to wake Eren up after the kidnappings because he usually got to see the three of them in bed, tangled in each other, Eren’s face relaxed as it never was with Levi. Armin and Mikasa, who would sit close, put their heads on Eren’s shoulders, touch him more intimately than the Captain was allowed. Oh, yes, jealous he was.

The clang of the plate against the table breaks his reverie. Erwin sits down against him, heavily after setting his own plate down. Levi stares at the food dumbly, his brain not connecting the plate with the movements he ought to make.

Erwin’s voice for the first time breaks the silence, it is not loud yet after the two days of the quietness its sound bears down on Levi’s ears.

\- You have to eat, Levi. 

It is an order. He hears it in the voice, in the tone. Levi raises his bleary eyes to meet Erwin’s blue. Strange, but when angry, Erwin looks years younger, like the day they have first met. And somehow the old stubbornness, the righteous fury rises in Levi. How dares he? After sending Eren to his death, how dares he order Levi anything? To show his face here? 

\- I am not your subordinate. – Levi’s voice is low, filled with acidic bile.  
\- Levi, you have to eat!  
\- Fuck off! – Who is shouting? Levi? 

He stands up on shaking legs, heavily leaning on the table for support, yet he stands, furious, eyes flashing with animalistic anger.

Erwin also stands up, meeting Levi’s stare head on. 

\- I promised to Eren that I will see to you if anything happens with him!  
\- You have killed him!  
\- He has chosen it himself, Levi!  
\- What, to be sent on a suicide mission?!

Now they are literally screaming at each other, both fuming with fury. Levi trembles, his eyesight going dark on edges and he grits his teeth so hard that he can almost feel them breaking. Yet Erwin stares back at him, not giving in, not admitting his fault, murderer!

He only realizes that he has said the last thought out loud when Erwin’s face suddenly loses all tension. He sinks down, his body language now conveying nothing but exhaustion and regret.

\- That, I am, Levi. As I always have been. 

Levi stands there, feeling his fury fade into bitterness. He hangs his head, the tidal waves of emotions emptying him. 

\- Sit down, Levi. – Erwin’s voice is hoarse, heavy with so many unsaid things. Levi finally obeys, shakenly sinking into his seat. The silence is almost unbearable; it chokes the air out of Levi’s lungs. For some reason a hysterical laughter, more like half-laughter, half-whimper, makes way through his lips. Erwin sits, hunched over, seemingly overwhelmed by the weight on his shoulders. Have Levi himself not supported Erwin in his decisions that had led to sacrificing so many for the humanity? Did he have any right to place Eren’s live above all the lives that they have sent spiraling into the abyss during the war?

At some point Levi notices the insistent splattering as his tears hit the tabletop. He buries his hands into his hair, the fingers catching on the knots and tangles. He is shuddering, coughing out dry heaves as his tears continue to roll down his cheeks. He has not cried all this time, since he has been a kid, never over a death, even Isabel and Farlan’s, yet now it all comes at once, all those years of being the Strongest, of holding up. Has Eren softened him, broken down all the barriers?

Erwin stays silent throughout the whole episode, he offers, thankfully, neither condolences, which would have only enraged Levi, nor any sympathy. As a Commander he, as Levi also, is used to delivering bad news, but it is always an official, somewhat distant affair. The grieving family never expects to uptight officers to be really sympathetic, so here and now Erwin is at a loss how should he really behave. At some point he gets up and refills the cat bowls, then carefully gathers the dishes and washes them, hunched over the basin.

Levi cries, he is not really sure for how long. The cat comes, nudges his feet asking for some attention and perhaps sensing the human’s distress. When the tears end, Levi feels empty, numb, his limbs heavy with lead. 

Erwin sits down again, catches Levi’s tired, blood-shot and hooded eyes and decides that he cannot delay the conversation anymore. He starts talking, in a bit lecturing tone that so out of place for the subject. He tells Levi how the expedition was to study the black hole, how the Titans attacked, since it was a far-away corner of the galaxy that had not been cleared out. How the ship was damaged and was falling into the black hole, Mikasa gravely injured and had to be put into anabiosis so she could survive the trip back, how half of the ship was overflowing with the Titans while the crew locked themselves in the second half. How Eren, being Eren, had chosen to go into the Titan-infested half, all alone, to disconnect the part of the ship filled with the enemy in order to let the remaining part be able to leave the gravity of the black hole and be free of the Titans. That the controls in the main unit were damaged on the attack and the disconnection could be done only from there. How the initial plan was that Eren would be able to return before the disconnection was complete but there were too many Titans and too little time... How he himself decided to stay there as the damaged half was falling into the black hole while the crew was struggling to fly away.

Levi listens and he thinks that it is heroic, yes, but stupid, exactly the stupidly heroic thing you would expect from Eren. That Eren would have never made any other choice. Neither would have Levi in this situation.

This sweeps Levi’s heart with sharp and bitter wave of love for Eren. He imagines it, the disfigured metallic construction sinking into the black void surrounded by the burning gas, he imagined Eren’s face, pale and tense, his brows scrunched together, his eyes unforgiving, undefeated. Was it then that he had sent Levi the last message? Levi cradles his arm with the tracker, his bony fingers caressing it in a painful surge of emotions. Was Eren looking at the cold pinpoints of stars in his last moments, humbled by the vastness of the space, was he remembering Levi, was he just accepting the inevitable? 

Levi remembers how the stars reflected in Eren’s eyes when he diverted his gaze out there and it is that moment he saw this image that Levi truly understood the beauty of the world outside – through Eren’s open and wonder-hungry eyes. He also remembers how he had wished that Eren would look at him with these eyes (at him and at him only, Levi has never went for half-assed measures).

Erwin has stood up during Levi’s musings and is going over the house. At some point he vanishes into the greenhouse, perhaps seeing to the plants Levi has been neglecting all this time. 

The thought of the plants, of Eren’s plants in need of watering suddenly flashes through his mind, almost painful, like a red-hot spear. Levi bolts upright and hurries there, the guilt fuelling him.

Erwin stands there, his bulky form stupidly out of place, with a water-hose in his large hands as he sprinkles the plants. Some of them are fading, the leaves saggy and yellowing and Levi is suddenly desperate, pained as he wrestles the water hose from Erwin and staggers between the stalls, checking frantically at each and every damn pot. Erwin watches him and soon the cat joins him in a silent and somehow sad observation. Levi is a mess, red-eyed and pale, his hair mussed up, his clothes hanging on him, his movements anxious and shaky. When he finishes he plops down on the chair, exhausted, his mind at a stall.

Erwin crouches near him activating his tracker. There are calls and mail he has to check, blinking for his attention yet he ignores them as he surfs over the files. One particular he picks up and sends to Levi with a practiced motion. Levi’s tracker comes to life indicating it received the incoming message. Levi stares at the screen dumbly, not really sure what to make of it.

\- These are logs of all the conversations and activity during the expedition. Yours and Eren are also there.

Levi blinks, not really grasping the idea. Erwin continues explaining, slowly, as if talking to a child.

\- It is actually top-secret, but I guess I really owe you one. And Levi, – his voice takes a commanding tone, - you are to answer each and every my call. You miss my call, I will either come myself or send Hanji within 5 minutes after that. You understand? Levi?

Levi nods if only to make Erwin leave faster.

Erwin sighs and catches Levi’s unseeing stare, at least tries to. 

\- Levi, Eren would have never wanted you to be like this. And you know that. You were always strong for him, were you not?

Levi feels a distant simmer of anger over these words. How dare Erwin use Eren’s name, their love to manipulate Levi? Yet he is so tired that his tongue, usually quick and sharp refuses to move, he is surrounded by a deafening heaviness of the air. 

Somehow Erwin gets him into the bed, the hated bed, tucks Levi in after quickly changing the sheets (he spends quite a while opening drawers methodically in order to find fresh ones, Levi simply watches him not offering any help). He leaves with the order for Levi to eat and a promise to call the next day, yet Levi finally falls into the merciful oblivion, not really paying Erwin’s words any attention. 

He wakes up tired and groggy, his eyes burning from the tears. He has to blink some away, actually, yet he feels the cat to nudge his fingers gently and he actually knows that he will get up, get the fresh bowl of food for the cat and he will clean, and check the plants, and eat. He hates himself yet he does all this until he collapses in the living room. He talks with Erwin (more like Erwin talks and Levi nods) and his fingers somehow fish out the file Erwin has left him.

It is a single file, a big mass of text (9 months!) that is written a bit like screenplay, each replica follows the name of a crew member that has uttered it, and each crew member text is in some color. Levi first mindlessly skims through it until his eyes catches Eren’s name (his color is sea-green, ironically) then he begins reading. And does not, unable to stop. Boring as they are – the usual intermission banters on whose turn it is to cook or clean, what is to be done and so on, to Levi, Eren shines out, as usual. He seeks his name out, greedily, is unable to feel any shame when he finds their sex-call put down (it is somehow funnily written – all these “incoherent moans” and “rustling of clothes” somehow turn it into a trashy porn scene rather than sensual experience that Levi remembers). 

The following week he spends doing chores and reading and rereading the logs, some scenes over and over again until he knows them by heart, he closes his eyes and the conversation lines pop up behind his eyelids. He imagines Eren in each scene, his mimics, his voice, the changes, the gestures, the way he moves. He can vividly enact the whole scenes in his mind, almost as if he is there, by Eren’s side, silently watching him. He rereads all their conversations, pondering on why he had said this and that, how he could say so many stupid, unimportant things when he had to ensure that Eren understood that Levi loved him more than the life itself….

It is during this depressing self-flagellation over the inability to express his feelings as Levi wanders down the hall he hears, distinct and loud, Eren’s voice.

\- Sorry, Levi, I’m still figuring it out.

It echoes in the empty room and Levi freezes, astonished. Has it been Eren? For sure, Levi would have never been able to mix up his voice with some other. He is alone now, aside from the cat sleeping in the living room.  
Is he finally going crazy, or falling sick? Has he led himself with all these delusions and desperate mental enactions to the state that imaginary become real? Levi feels himself shudder, he rubs his forehead with his fingers trying to understand whether or not he is delirious with a fever.

Nothing else happens this day and the next and Levi convinces himself he has imagined Eren’s voice. He feels equal parts elated at this idea and disappointed. Somewhere deep he maybe wishes that the ghosts actually existed, that way maybe he will be able to see Eren. He dismisses the scary idea that he will be able to see Eren, yes, but unable to touch him. When he walks into the greenhouse, limping (he does so more frequently now, his leg throbbing with pain almost every day), with full intent to go through the plants and maybe replant some he notices a movement out of the corner of his eye. He thinks of the cat for a moment, irritated, yet his mind blanks totally as he sees not the cat but Eren standing there, over his precious succulents. He looks like a holographic image, the figure distorted by static noise from time to time, yet it is Eren. Levi stands there, his mouth open, the air not coming into his lungs. Before he manages to move, before anything, he sees Eren raise his head and meet Levi’s eyes. In a moment – the image vanishes. 

Levi sinks down on his knees, suddenly powerless. The air rushes into his lungs, burning and he gasps, almost hyperventilating. He crawls to the place where Eren, his image, his ghost, whatever, has been standing, not caring that his clothes will get dirty as the greenhouse floor is covered with a thin layer of sand. There, in the corner is a distinct imprint of a pair of boots. They are bigger than Levi’s. For a while he stares at them, his brain grasping for possible logical reasons for everything that has happened. 

Somebody broke into the house – yet there are no any other footprints around.

Levi is delirious – yet the imprints are here, the sand moving slightly under Levi’s breath.

He wonders if he should call Erwin or Hanji, tell them that he is going crazy. In the end he stays there, on his knees, hunched over the imprints, not really sure whether all this is a curse or a twisted blessing, for quite a while.  
Next time he sees Eren is when he comes into the living room during cleaning, and Eren stands there near the couch, his one hand outstretched to pet the cat. And the cat also sees him, apparently, as it arches under the long fingers, purring contentedly. Levi stops dead in his tracks, immobilized but when he finally gets a grip on himself and rushes forward, Eren’s image turns translucent, sort of milky white and vanishes. For a second Levi feels strange rush of warm air. The cat looks startled and then disappointed as nobody pets it any longer.

The cat has seen Eren. It has reacted to him.

Levi sits down on the coach, struck by the understanding that he might not be really imagining things. So Eren (his ghost?) comes and interacts with the present world, yet it does not hurry to communicate with Levi?  
But it has tried before, the very first time, has it not?

Levi rubs his face, his mind muddled. The cat mewls, disappointed by the lack of attention and twists itself around Levi’s legs. He reaches to scratch it, not really thinking.

Eren has been here. 

Levi spends the night restless, thinking that next time he should not just stop, he should try to reach Eren, to touch him…

If he has gone crazy, he thinks, so be it. Does it really matter if it brings Eren back to him?

He falls asleep when the sky starts burning with the colors of the rising sun.

When he wakes up, it’s because he feels someone run fingers through his hair. The touch is warm and familiar. Levi startles, opens his eyes and sees Eren sitting on the bed, gently touching him. He is solid, not a ghost or a fruit of Levi’s screwed imagination – the touch, the bed sagging under the weight of his body. Their eyes meet – Levi is sucked into Eren’s gaze, somewhat sad and distant, yet warm. It is a far-away gaze, as if Eren watches Levi from the farthest corner of the Galaxy. 

When he notices that Levi is awake, his eyes lit up, his lips part and he says something, yet no sound reaches Levi, nothing. He sees the clear articulation but it is as if Eren is behind a sound-proof glass. Levi hears other things – the rustling of the leaves outside, the scrapping of a twig on the window, so he rules out his own deafness. Eren smiles, as if aware, and… disappears again. Levi feels the familiar now rush of warm air and suddenly realizes how tense he has been, each muscle in his body high-strung with what? Fear? Anxiety? He has been too afraid to move lest he should scare the beautiful apparition away.

Now, Eren is gone but he can see the crumbled sheets where his body has been. Levi sits up, wide awake. What has Eren been saying? He replays the scene in his mind, again and again and at some point he is almost sure that it is the same he has heard back there in the hallway. 

“Sorry, Levi, I’m still figuring it out”

He wonders what it means. He is figuring out how to appear? How to speak? How to be?

Is this even Eren really and not some weird alien taking his form in order to torture Levi? No, the touch… The touch was so very Eren, the general feel is that of Eren. Levi prides himself on his instincts and right now they tell him that it has been none other but Eren. Whatever all this supernatural shit means.

He stands up, wobbles on his leg, checking how much pain it is determined to give him today and goes on with his usual duties. 

Inside him a solid feeling, more like knowledge – he will see Eren again.

So it happens – more and more with the passing days. Eren appears for longer and shorter periods of time, he even talks – it is weird the first few times: either his voice comes with a slight delay after his mouth movements or Levi hears the voice as if in a bed transition – two voices overlapping, producing an inhuman-sounding speech.

Eren tells Levi that he has been worried, tells him to eat.

Levi tries to ask questions yet there is almost no time before Eren fades away.

Erwin and Hanji and others call him but he declines their offers to come. He congratulates Mikasa with leaving the hospital. He congratulates Armin with the promotion. Eren stays unmentioned, hidden, his secret, his unspoken reason to looking better and taking care of himself. Levi knows that what is happening is probably some kind of a shitty miracle but he will be damned if he tells anyone. He knows that people will come to take Eren away, tuck him in their fucking labs, torture him.

No, Levi has given too much to Humanity. This secret he will take to his grave.

Sometimes he is able to touch Eren, he even gets a kiss once, and sometimes he sees his presence –watered plants, a half-cooked meal, food in the cat bowl. Levi sometimes wonders if this all are signs of his insanity – what if he does it all himself and imagines Eren to do it?

But he cannot start caring about it. 

At some moment he wakes up and there is Eren, on his side, turned to Levi, also on the bed. Levi reaches out, carefully, as if touching something fragile, expecting the Image dissipate at every moment. Eren moves into his touch, closing his eyes, tucking his head under Levi’s chin. The soft brown hair tickles Levi’s naked skin and the warmth, the smell Eren exudes rules out for Levi any possibility of a hallucination. He is sure that he is unable to imagine Eren like that, as a whole, as Eren, down to each little detail like constellations of faint freckles on his shoulders or that little mole behind his ear.

Levi ducks his head down to press a kiss on Eren’s forehead, the morning breath be damned. The silence, although pregnant with questions that Levi wants to ask is comfortable and intimate. 

\- I’m sorry to make you wait, Levi.

Eren’s voice is muffled but then he raises his head and looks straight into Levi’s eyes. Levi holds the gaze, marveling how these eyes in front of him has changed, yet stayed the same. He cups Eren’s cheek, rubs his thumb over his cheekbone.

Eren tells him about the fall into the black hole, about inside of it, as much as he could describe the indescribable. He tells Levi that inside the hole space and time exist but in some other variant, that Eren is possibly alive inside of it, yet possibly not. He understand little, truth to be told, yet he knows that he can cast his projection into each and every point of time and space he wants to, should he know exactly where. That is what he is doing now, recreating himself at each moment to be here. He has had hard time finding the right time and coordinates, that is why he has not returned earlier. He also finds it hard to time his presence correctly, to align it with the flow of time on Earth.

He apologizes and Levi kisses him to shut him up. In the back of his mind he holds the idea that it is the longest Eren has ever stayed since his return.

Eren complains of the complexity of the task of keeping himself here, asks Levi to have more patience till he masters it completely.

Levi dismisses his apologies. He thinks of the fact that Eren is there, inside the black hole still.

He hovers over Eren now, pressing his lips to Eren’s face while the latter speaks. Levi stops and looks him in the eyes again, searchingly, scrutinizing. His thumbs on Eren’s soft lips.

\- What is it like to be there, Eren?

Eren’s eyes turn sad, and Levi feels pain grip at his heart.

\- It is very lonely.

Levi shudders at Eren’s voice, heavy with so many emotions, laced with pain. He dips his head to kiss Eren again in hope of dispelling the dark cloud on Eren’s face.

\- I missed you, Levi, – Eren’s voice breaking, rasping. – I really missed you all this time.  
\- So did I, Eren.

That morning, Eren does not vanish. They make love for the first time in so many months, Eren worrying constantly about Levi’s leg, and Levi carefully, methodically rediscovering each millimeter of Eren’s body, recounting the moles and freckles, relearning his sensitive spots. It is slow and almost painful, the burn in Levi’s gut delicious and Eren, predictably, growing desperate with the slow pace, begging with Levi, pleading with him to the point he starts weeping. Levi gives into his squirming and the pace changes to hungry, almost starved fucking.

Later, as the lay together in the bed, the sheets rumpled on the floor, Eren’s head on Levi’s chest, Eren asks if it is okay that he is even less human now.

Levi asks in his turn if Eren would have cared were their positions reversed.

Eren shakes his head, the tears spilling out from his eyes and running thickly down his cheeks.

Levi kisses them all off.

That day Eren vanishes but reappears quickly.

Soon he stops with vanishing altogether.

The plants in the greenhouse are healthy again and the cat is happy with the doubled attention.

The calls from the friends are answered, albeit carefully.

The house is impeccably clean and Levi’s leg hurts less nowadays.

Levi has to travel to the town all alone in order to keep the secret of Eren’s presence safe. Eren tells him that it is okay because in fact he does not to be physically there to be with Levi, to watch over him.  
They have a few arguments over the idea whether Mikasa and Armin, and others maybe, should know of Eren’s return.

Eren is worried for them, of course, and he misses them, yet Levi is not sure that it will be better for them to know the truth.

They have grieved over Eren, but they had slowly moved on (even Levi have done it, more or less, if existing as a numb zombie-like person could be called “moving on”). Should they really be exposed to all this once again?  
Levi is selfish, he knows he is, yet this time he is afraid of letting go, afraid that Armin, as smart as he is, will not be able to keep quiet on Eren’s nature. So he struggles with Eren, pleading with him to stay hidden, allowing him to listen to the calls yet never to take part in them.

Eren gets angry at times, impatient, but under Levi’s pleading stare he caves in, retreats.

Time takes its toll and Levi finds more and more white hairs in the mirror, his legs gives him more trouble.

Eren, in contrast, stays fresh and young, forever etched into eternity in his youthful fragility. Sometimes he seems ashamed of it, worried how Levi sees him. Levi does not really care.

The cat grows older, fatter and Levi jokes that it will outlive him. It brings Eren near tears and Levi has to apologize, to make up for his stupid remark. Both of them more than aware of his mortality.

Eren tells him that it is okay, that for him time is not linear so he is able to be present at each moment he chooses, so for him past is never the past but a point he can return to. He dares not break the story however, to appear earlier as Levi remembers. Levi understands little of Eren's explanation and cares even less. So what if Eren is a miracle? Has he now been a miracle all this time?

For a supernatural being Eren knows very little of his own nature. He does not even seem to want to learn. He is content to stay with Levi even if he could have been exploring the whole space at any given moment.

Instead he stays, he cooks for Levi, he cleans when Levi cannot get up on account of his leg, he tends to the plants, he sits with Levi’s head on his lap and sings softly to him. They are locked up on each other, ensnared in their little glass orb. The world around them slowly changes, the people discovering new lands, settling, moving, inventing, planning, but Levi is done with all of it, he simply lives with Eren, revels in his presence.

They see season change, they notice how Levi’s face becomes heavier with age, how wrinkles mark his expression (“like sandy ridges back there, in the desert, do you remember, Levi?”). Eren is fascinated to watch Levi grow old (not repulsed as Levi expected him to be, deep down). He was equally fascinated, Levi recalls, when he discovered that Levi had stubble. Eren never grew facial hair so Levi once had to let his own grown just to sate Eren’s curiosity. Eren liked him even if he complained about the prickling while Levi hated it as the stubble made him look older and untidy.

Eren has stayed all the way, unvarying presence that is always at Levi’ side. 

It is a strange, cold early April night when Levi passes away. He knows that his time has come and Eren sits calmly near him, his thin fingers intertwined with Levi’s knobby, his gaze serene.

The cat, Levi recalls, died two years ago and it is actually a pity. He might have liked to pet it once more. Its grave is neatly tucked in the corner of the garden and Eren sometimes places flowers on it from time to time.

The kids from Levi’s squad, Levi remembers, are mostly all right. Mikasa has married Armin and bore two children. Levi has visited them twice. Armin is now the head of the resettling project, after Erwin has died. Jean is travelling with the resettles and sending useful maps. Hanji is now the Head of the First Earth University and Levi actually pities her subordinates as her energy has not diminished with time.

Sometimes he dreams of the faces of those who have gone, of Isabel and Farlan more often, of Petra, Eld, Oluo and Gin also sometimes. He wonders if they will greet him where he is going.

He turns his head to look at Eren and there he is, beautiful as ever. They have agreed that when Levi dies Eren is free to decide whether he stays for his funeral or not. Well, mostly it has been Levi talking. Eren’s eyes, blue-green as the sea they have longed to see, are shining in the weak morning light. There is love and devotion in them and Levi is… thankful.

\- So this is our happy ending, Eren?

Eren shakes his head, a small smile on his supple lips. He leans down and places a kiss on Levi’s wrinkled forehead. How many times has he explained to Levi that he can return to each point of time he chooses to? That time and space are like beads to him, connected by a string. He can play with them, choose one for his own. That to him past is never the past? After Levi dies Eren will see to it that he is buried as a hero. And then simply returns back into the warm morning when he told Levi about his return.

In fact Eren has done it already, and he knows it, relived the same cycle over and over, has seen Levi died thousands of times, has kissed him even more, made love to him.

Eren stays, forever.

\- There are no happy endings, Levi.

He whispers it against Levi’s cold skin. Levi’s breath is becoming shallower and shallower. Eren has seen it happen so many times that he knows each and every detail by heart.

\- In fact, there are no endings at all.

Levi’s dull eyes flutter shut and his fingers spasm around Eren’s one last time.

It hurts every time like the first time, yet Eren can never leave Levi in this moment, cannot, will not abandon him.

Through sickness and death. Is it not the vow they have given each other?

Eren carefully places Levi’s hands on his breast. He will wait a little, until the sun fills the quiet room, and then, like all this times before, he will call Armin to tell that the Humanity Strongest has passed away.

In front of his ageless eyes the cosmos spreads. He sees the stars, the planets; he sees the whole history of mankind unravel to him.

He sees Levi cutting through the Titan flesh, he sees him grieving over death of his friends, he sees him kissing Eren for the first time. He sees Eren Yaeger admire the Humanity Strongest, he sees him fighting alongside Levi, he sees him blush under this unexpectedly tender stare and accept the confession. He sees them make love and he revels in each and every moment of it, of Levi’s fingers on his skin, of the pain and sweet burning.

Until the sun is up, Eren Yeager will once again be born, be loved, be in pain, lose and be lost, fall in love and make decisions – both right and wrong. Eren Yeager that is existing somewhere deep in the black hole and his physical image sitting here – will go once again through the life, its pain and pleasure only to choose Levi once again and for all eternity.


End file.
